“I love my thick nappy curls,” Eden confessed. “But I noticed when my hair is all laid & straight, I get approached way more by guys. Otherwise, black men treat me like my natural hair makes me instantly ugly. That’s kinda why I approached you first.”
She removed her headband & ran her fingers through her huge, natural curls, as her brown skin glistened in the daylight. I marveled at her beauty before replying.
“Some males who are hesitant to approach women with natural hair are intimidated by the confidence you’re displaying by wearing your natural hair & he cowers at the possibility of you rejecting him,” I explained.
By: Ebrahim Aseem
Author of the book, “Why Men Cheat on Loyal Women”
“This is the same reason the corporate world does not fully embrace or always endorse women who wear their natural hair. You are seen as a threat. Too militant. Rebellious. Non-submissive.
An overly-macho, mentally fragile male can NOT handle a free thinking, conscious woman with her own mind. She does not even arouse him sexually. He needs a submissive woman.
A woman’s beautiful natural hair is a repellant for the judgmental, weak-minded little boys & it’s a magnet to attract mentally conscious MEN.
Wearing her natural hair does NOT mean she has an attitude.
Wearing a weave does NOT mean she’s insecure.
A queen styles her hair to enhance her beauty & compliment her confidence., not to cover up insecurity.
A woman is not an objected to be defined, controlled or put in check by a man. She is a powerful spirit, a universe unto herself.
No matter the style, she is wearing her everyday confidence on her head, allowing her to repel males with unactivated pineal glands, who are nowhere near her level of consciousness anyway, while only attracting confident, self loving men.
Some insecure males don’t want their woman to have her pretty natural hair, because he’s afraid she will attract a more conscious, confident man than he.
As a 10-year youth mentor for young men, & a public speaker, Black men often say they view natural hair as an indicator a woman’s everyday confidence is bolder than ever that day.
They say they are more apt to approach you on your days wearing relaxed hair, or a weave, because he feels he has less of a chance with you when you’re even extra confident to wear your hair however you best feel comfortable at that time. Unbeknownst to these males, a woman is confident and non-submissive no matter how her hair is styled.
A woman who can be her true self, unapologetically, is simply beautiful, regardless of how her hair, body, or skin may reflect on your iris.”
“It’s not even that,” one of the men with a mohawk fade rebutted, “a lot of these Black Women think that nappy-haired, Lauryn Hill shit is cute, and it’s not. Why would I approach kinky haired Lavontasia, when I can approach blonde-haired Becky? Who actually speaks to me like I’m not a fuckin child. Black women always gotta be right, talk down to a man and treat you like you didn’t graduate high school.”
“Nigga, you didn’t graduate high school,” one of the men joked, erupting the group of men in laughter.
“You know I’m right,” mohawk fade continued. “All that attitude is so unnecessary. Like why are black women so angry all the time? Slavery is over. Our president is Black.”
“I never understood why you brothas find the need to bash black women,” I interrupted. “They look like heaven & treat real men like royalty. You should aspire to be one instead of degrading your own women, like a traitor. And it’s not ‘nappy’, I hate that derogatory term. Just say corse, coiled, curly or natural.”
“So it’s being a traitor just because I want my kids to live a better life than a curly haired Sista can provide?” Mohawk fade asked, mocking my use of the word “curly”
“The hell are you talking about bruh?” I asked.
“I read your article man,” Mohawk fade continued. “You know, ‘Why the hell am I still dating Black women.’ I only opened that shit, because of the title, and I agree with some of your points, but just because I didn’t marry a Black woman does not mean I’m weak-minded or can’t handle one. I just don’t want my kids to grow up under a mother who talks down to them and always wants to go Adrian Peterson on them when they do little kid shit.”
“Nigga, you must be illiterate,” Eden defended, “because if you did read Ebrahim’s article, you’d know he said spirits have no race and it’s nothing wrong with loving someone outside your race. However, dating someone outside your race only because you hate your own race is the definition of self hatred.”
“Exactly,” I agreed, “it’s not even about race. It is about culture and each person’s individual character. Spirits have no race. Spirits have no gender. We are all spirits, wrapped in the human form, like a gift wrapped in a box. Who cares what color the box is, it is the gift inside that is to be vauled over its container.
And bruh, the fact you just admitted the main reason you married your wife, was so you didn’t have to raise children with a Black woman, is the very evidence you are indeed weak-minded.”
“Ooooooo,” the group of men instigated.
“Why do you think a pro-Black, conscious brotha like Kanye would marry a white woman like Kim K?” Mohawk fade replied.
“That ass,” one of the men answered, folding his hands, as if he was worshiping the booty.
“Nah that’s not the only reason,” Mohawk fade continued. “Black women hate themselves. This is why Black men are not attracted to nappy haired Black women. They hate their men. They hate their skin, their body and their hair.
This is why they have an identity crisis. They don’t know if they want to wear hair weaves like Europeans, or go natural and nappy like Erykah Badu, who has her own identity issues. This short haired woman wears a nappy afro weave, over her nearly bald head. Such a walking contradiction.”
“As a Black man. you are the definition of a walking contradiction,” I retorted. “You legit sound like a eugenicist. Black women don’t hate themselves, nor do they hate us men. We act like we hate them. They hold us down so much, and we never defend them.
Why are we so quick to defend Kim Kardashian’s choice to show her unnatural bare ass,
yet we never defend the choice of our own Black Women to wear her natural bare hair?
Being a girl is like being Black. It’s even worse when you’re both. Life is hell, really. Tupac once said in an interview,
‘No black males talk about black females like we should. We need to take more responsibilities for our sisters because if we don’t, who will? Because if you look at it now, black females are held lower of the totem pole than anybody.’ Pac said that shit in ‘92.
In the 60s, Malcolm X said, “The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman.”
Society shits on Black women, then will talk shit about her, for having shit on her. The irony. The hypocrisy. Well, I’m a black man, telling you the greatest ISM is not against me, not against us, it is against our women.
I say it to the world, because when she says it, you refuse to hear her. You pay her 70% of what you pay me. After Black slaves were “freed” all women in this country were sold as property, from father to husband by a simple dowry.
They tell her assimilate, you will be accepted. They vilify Beyonce.
They tell her be conscious, be natural, you will be respected. They blacklist Lauyrn Hill. They fear the woman, because as they say, ‘she’s closest to God, hand picked to be the only vessel of life, as mother’.
They tell her to worship a human-male God, instead of the gender-less spirit of God, so she’ll always believe God is a human male, despite the fact her God had to create males and humans into existence.
Black men as a whole do not hate Black women. Don’t fall for that lie. Mentally mature Black men love our sistas. Always have. Aways will.”
“I respect the fact women are the vessels of life,” Mowhawk defended. “But just, because I married a Puerto Rican woman does not mean I can’t handle a Black woman. I’m just not attracted to Black women and their smart-ass mouths.”
“At first I thought you were an arrogant idiot,” I responded with a smirk, “but now I realize you’re just arrogantly ignorant. Your wife is Black.”
“Look, I know Boricuas got a mouth on them too,” he defended, “but…”
“No, seriously,” I continued, “African slaves were never brought from a ship to American soil. They were brought to the Caribbean. Jamaican, Trinidadian, Hatian, Dominican and Puerto Rican people all have African descendants. So, like I said, your wife is Black. Now, your reason for marrying her is your business, but I just wanted you to understand why those Black Women-bashing reasons are ignorant.”
“I see you dropping knowledge, tryna impress the bitch so she let you hit, huh?” Mohawk fade snapped, to get a coule laughs.
“The bitch has a name,” Eden defended. “And why is it little boys like you would rather impress a group of males than a impress a woman simply by respecting her? I guess it’s true what they say about why guys love to come to the gym so much. Sus-pect.”
“Using the word bitch as a synymon for “women” may get you some cheap laughs, but really, you’re just showing how much of a bitter, bitch-ass-nigga you are to disrespect a whole group of what you can’t stimulate on any non-sexual level, women.
When you insult one woman, you insult them all. Whether a woman be White, Latin, Asian, Indian, Pacific Islander or Black, she deserves respect, honor and love. To pit women of differnt races against each other based off race, hair or body type is misogany. All women are sisters, and we must love and respect our women, as every man is born from one.”
“Look,” Mohawk fade responded, “my own sister, who’s a Black woman, admitted to purposeful having a baby by a Pacific Islander who she had no intention of raising her child with, because she told us she always hated her nappy hair growing up and she wanted her daughter to come out with good hair. You expect me to respect that?
“That’s self hatred,” Tedrick chimed in. “Hair is a woman’s glory. Any Black woman who uses chemicals, dyes, non-organic shampoo, hot combs, or weave in her, hair is displaying self hatred.”
“Excuse me?” Eden responded. “I love my natural curls and I love myself. Just because I use henna to dye my hair, does not mean I am displaying self hatred. Henna is a natural plant. So when you speak on something, make sure you know what the hell you’re talking about.”
“See what I mean,” Mohawk fade replied, “these pro-black, overly-conscious, nappy haired sistas always gotta hit a nigga with an attitude.”
“Just because a woman is unafraid to speak her mind to you, does not mean she has an attitude,” I explained. “You simply have no idea how to render the respect of a woman with your presence, vibe and confidence.”
“Now Tedrick, I love naturalistas just like you do. Seeing a woman’s natural curls is like seeing your woman’s bare breasts for the first time.
Not in a perverted way. It’s just that the nakedness of a woman is beautiful. Natural hair is raw, beautiful nakedness. However, just because a woman uses a hot comb or weave does not mean she hates herself. Just because her hair is short does not mean she’s lost her glory. Short hair or straight hair does not make her any less of a woman.
Her hair is a canvas, each style she paints on that canvas is her way to express her happiness, pain, joy, stress, aelf love, self confusion and new beginnings.
Every woman has a different mindset. Her hair style does not define her. Her gender, style of dress and body shape does not define her. Don’t decline her worth in your mind. She’s one of a kind.
There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically her natural self; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty. It is not up to us as men to define a woman, her hair, skin, nor her behavior.
She is not some queen in need of a king to define her, she is royal by herself.
She’s not some damsel in distress who needs to be saved. This knight-in-shining armourism many males posses stems from being raised by a weak-minded woman, without the presence of a father figure. To treat a woman as something who needs to be defined or rescued, that is hate and male privilege.
“My brotha,” Tedrick backpedaled, “I’m not trying to define how a woman should wear her hair, and I don’t hate women. But shit, women hate women. They are the ones who give life to this Weaves vs. Natural hair debate.”
“It’s not that women hate each other, I replied, “every form of music, entertainment and work force in the world makes women feel like they have to compete with each other.
The rarity of finding a woman who doesn’t hate other women, nor rue the idea of existing in a world with women unlike her is attractive to me.”
Even though I was replying to Tedrick, I was looking Eden in her brown eyes. She smiled after we made eye contact. I grabbed my gym bag with my right hand, grabbed Eden’s right hand with my left and walked her out of the gym, to the coffee shop across the street.
“Is it always that heated in there?” She asked once we sat down.
“Honestly, it’s usually worse,” I answered. “You gotta understand, treating a woman as if she were at all an equal to a man makes a coward male completely flaccid. Treating a woman as if she is inferior to a man does the exact opposite for him.”
“I like how you speak,” She complimented. “I didn’t recognize you when I first approached you, until that guy mentioned your article, but I did read your work. That article helped give me back a lot of confidence I had lost over the years. The only men who seem to love my natural hair is White Men. When I say you, I never thought you’d never approach me like this.”
When I moved to a white school, I got made fun of for wearing a weave, so I took it out. Then, I got made fun of for wearing braids, so I went natural. Now, people make fun of me for being natural. For being habesha. For having darker skin. It’s like, no matter what I do, I’m never good enough. Never pretty enough.”
“That hurt me to hear,” I told her.
When I tell you Brown Skin is beautiful. Don’t ‘believe me.’ Know it.
Be acquiescent to the verbal inception of a poet.
Who’s mother is the same shade. What a gorgeous Apparatus.
A work of art painted on the face of a Brown Canvas.
Despite the flaws manifested in the reflection of your iris.
Your over critical view of your physical form is blinded.
Binded with the confession of you being a perfectionist.
Please be receptive to the idea your melanin is a blessing.
Dear Black Women,
Black men do value you.
By: Ebrahim Aseem
Black men do value your hair, your derriere.
The unconditional way that you love.
The affectionate way you care.
The struggle we share.
The children we bare.
Every single curve you wear, or lack there of.
Lack of a phat ass does not make you “less black”.
Lack of long hair does not make you “less black”.
An inability to dance doesn’t make you “less black”.
Speaking properly doesn’t make you “less black”.
You are not smarted mouth, rude with an attitude.
You are mentally regal, never declining to speak your mind.
Your melanie is goregous, queen. Mmm.
Yo’ shade, yo’ shade.
Kim K & Iggy want to be you so bad.
No shade, no shade.
Never forget the very features of yourself you were always taught to hate,
are the very features the world now tries emulate.
A beautiful soul comes wrapped in many tints and colors.
Beauty looks gorgeous in every shade.
Embrace your hair and the skin your soul lives in.
Your natural hair is just everything life has to offer.
Love yourself, because I love you more than life itself.
Let’s have a bunch of mentally ascended, kinky haired children & live nappily ever after.
By: Ebrahim Aseem
“Why The Hell Am I Still Dating Black Women?” => http://wp.me/pT7Bl-4l
Click to read part one of this article => http://wp.me/sT7Bl-rapecult
“Why All Men Cheat on Loyal Women” => http://wp.me/pT7Bl-5a
By: Ebrahim Aseem
Author of the book, “Why Men Cheat on Loyal Women”
Motivational #SpeakLife vidoes: Youtube.com/RealNewsmagazine
I am a chef, motivational speaker, nutritionist and author, of African ancestry. I speak isiZulu & Swahili I’ve been a youth mentor for young Black men for 13 years.
Book me to speak at your unversity! Currently doing a college speaking tour on this & many topics.
For booking: AEAseem@gmail.com
Request your free copy of my book once you follow me on facebook => http://Facebook.com/AEAseem
“This fascination our world has of expecting a Woman to be PERFECT in every way, perfect body, zero fat, no stretch marks, huge curves, smile through pain, never speak her mind, get upset or “talk back” that is POSION. As a man, I am so damn tired of this. I will dedicate my life to change it & #SpeakLife so this world will learn how to value a woman by the time I have a daughter.” – Ebrahim Aseem
The only reason I’m not as attracted to women of color as I am other women, is because even if all I say is “Hello beauty, how are you?”, rather than a simple smile or nod and a gentle “I’m well”, they are quick to say some snide or snark remark, full of attitude as though I’ve done some disservice and never should have asked.
I’ve even gone so far as to say “my apologies, have I offended you somehow?”. The first thing they say, “I already got a man!”, or “leave me alone don’t nobody got time for… [insert tongue lashing long enough that I just walk away, while they’re demanding that I not walk away while they’re speaking]”.
I’ve tried every other way there is to approach a beautiful woman, I believe they’re queen’s and should as such be treated. I’m also very chivalrous, but even in that they are quick to put me down. Many times I’ve offered a female a hand down the stairs and they’ll be sure to tell me “the (explicit) you think this is/you’re doing/trying to pull”, etc etc.
At this point I’ve given up on them. It’s too the point now where I have begun questioning myself, am I to nice, am I to respectful, do I look unattractive, ate they testing me, i mean, what gives, what’s wrong with me that I always get this.? I’ve even tried different varieties of black women, and it’s the same way in all facets.
I love black women, I love ALL women, regardless of color, but those females of African decent are always quick to defend themselves on an offensive towards me, and I feel like I’m not good enough. But then I raise, when you make me doubt who I am as a man, then you aren’t who God has for me.
I completely agree, a woman should be strong, she should be independent, but a real woman shows her strength through the life and legacy she fulfills, her actions speak volumes and cry to the world “I am God’s greatest gift”. Not through the backlash of shutting a man down when he genuinely cares for the female he addresses.
As if these setbacks weren’t enough, I get this a lot as well, “I don’t date/like black men”, or “I only like white men”, and if ever I ask them why, it’s either insults, stereotypes of “niggas”, or a bad past and/or past experiences. Majority of the time it’s the stereotypically inclined reasons.
If anything, I just want help, I don’t care what color or nationality she is, I just want a woman whose as beautiful and captivating as a natural black woman, minus the negativity that comes at every turn. And I’ve only ever met black women who are this way.
If there are any other women out there who can show me another side of what I’ve truly been missing, please, show me. Show me my flaws, show me what I’m blind to, show me that there are other black women available that aren’t so quick to dismiss a genuine man.
I’m not rich, I’m an inventor. I’ve made poor decisions in my life and learned from them, and I was taught to always be working on myself. Even in my poor decisions, I’ve kept my virginity these past 25 years. You never stop improving who you are. Never stop learning and growing and expanding your experiences.
Grow with me, show me a better woman, neither of us are perfect, but together we develop as one.
You fail to realize that by the time you speak to a “woman of color” she has already spent the majority of her life being talked down to, made fun of, and being the butt of most peoples jokes. She is carrying a chip on her shoulder way before you speak to her.
However, that is just my opinion and experience.
If the “angry Black woman” excuse to be rude and strong “because of what we went through” were a good one, I could be the first to legitimately claim it. Not only am I a Black woman but I have a huge birthmark on my face. I was teased by all Black kids and teenagers, and even some adults growing up for not looking like everyone else, but I don’t use that as a reason to have an attitude and be defensive to everyone. I have never been that woman. I’m a confident individual and I treat everyone with love, kindness, and respect.
V, I really was touched by your statement. Being a “Black Woman with Natural Hair” people are often taken aback when I am kind, articulate and appreciative of the “respectful” approach. Where are you approaching these women, what type of women are you approaching? If found economics plays a big part. A woman who has a higher “struggle” has a larger attitude. Those that have “support” can relax and “be”. Do not give up on your people. Know that there are Black women who can appreciate a respectful King who is looking for a Queen.
I believe the hurt goes both ways and is causing both to tear each other down. We have to allow God and time to heal if all your sister or your brother is doing is speaking to you and your offenses go up. We should make a strategic choice to build each other up, even if we don’t want to be with that person.
With all due respect, brother, it sounds like your gripe is not with “Black” women but with rude, simple-minded women who happen to be Black. I have a wonderful circle of sistas and not ONE of us would ever speak to a man who approaches us in the way you’ve described. I’ve never cussed at or been rude to a man who approached me respectfully. Not once. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result and by that definition, many of us — both men and women — are slap crazy. Perhaps this is less about Black women and more about the *types* of women you’re choosing to approach. Try changing your surroundings, approaching a sista who looks, sounds, and is dressed nothing like the others you’ve approached before. You sound like a good brotha and I really do pray that you encounter a good sista. Blessings.
I wish I could “Like” your response, but since I couldn’t I’ll just tell you: Great response!!
EXCELLENT. EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.
Beautiful! Funlayo, beautiful! And you are beautiful as well my sister!
Interesting article…I’m a black woman who is a photographer, spoken word artist, drummer and work with film crews…and I am a very down-to-earth, free-spirited, stress-free person. I’m not angry or unapproachable because I wear my hair natural or that I am a poet.
My natural hair gets more attention from white men. White men want to see black women natural. Black men want us to hide under wigs, makeup and perms. If I start dating outside my race again then black men are angry that I am with that person and not my own since I have an afro. It’s stupid, yet sad. TV/Magazines/videos have ruined folks. I would never tell my black men to change his hair or be something he is not.
I don’t understand how black men born from black women, and black women love their sons, but then they grow up to hate black women. I guess one bad apple or 2 spoils the whole human black race.
Girl, I can’t tell you how much of a revelation your comment was! I’m a light skinned black woman with long brown hair, so I got a lot of attention from black men. Last year I cut my hair short and went natural, and I am LOVIN my fro, but black men aren’t. I have YET to have a straight black man compliment my hair. It’s always white people, black women, or black gay men who adore my curly hair and my confidence for wearing an afro. My last boyfriend was a white man who could not get enough of my natural beauty, yet black men pass me by as though I do not exist. I want to do an experiment and maybe get some weave and see if black men start acting different now, I think it’d be worth observing.
I think you’ve really missed the boat on this point! If, everyone thought as you in this situation, then there would, and should also be an ongoing disscussion about Black Women being born from Black Men, that also grow up literally hating Black Men! And, at the same time desire to emulate White Women, and at the very same time run away from their so-called precious Blackness. Your comments only show a narrow mindness on your part as a Black Woman.
That’s not all women of color though. Because of some ppl characterize all. I love a compliment from a black man sadly I don’t receive may from them as I do from men of other races. It’s all in how that woman carries herself and knows her worth. Just a thought. I’m a black woman who’s natural but I will wear a sew in. I can watch a game play a game or put on make up but my favorite thing is to look in the mirror and admire every inch of me may face I got from my mother and grandmother my hips I believe I got from my grandfather’s mom and my 4’9″ height I got from my father’s mom and all from beautiful black women whom a black man loved created me in my perfectly in perfections make me amazing just the the BLACK MAN who I love but they don’t give the black woman the same love…..Unfortunately you’ve have bad luck but trust your queen is being prepared for you as you are for her.
V, I’m sorry that you have to endure that kind of FOOLERY!! Trust me ALL black women are not like that. Even when I was 25…… I never acted that way! Its CHILDISH and uncouth. Don’t give up on us!! There are still decent black sistas out here! 😉
I’m happy to hear that you’re not that kind of Black Woman, but as much as I so dislike saying this….but the majority of BlacK Women today are in fact “JUST LIKE THAT”!
You didn’t need to write a long, dry thesis on why you love white women. Just a laundry list of excuses after excuses. You’re displaying sheer ignorance by generalizing all women of color. Be proud to love your Becky! Writing essays online will not fix the guilt you feel for being a sellout traitor, brother.
This was so beautiful, I am at a lost of words. I search for reads such as these early Saturday mornings to share with my mentees and your commentary had me in awe. As a black woman it hurts when I am labeled as angry and ill-mannered, and most people approach us disrespectfully or try to pull some type of slick trickery when meeting us. I personally tell people/men when I meet them I’m not searching for anyone and I don’t lie and say I’m involved with someone, and I get stupid responses like can I be your friend or your going to miss this blessing girl. I personally feel as if God is going to speak to me when he sends Boaz my way. But I hate that all my sisters don’t humble them selves and behave decently, even when rejecting someone. Kill them with kindness is my motto. Thanks for your beautiful words.
Also, what type of women are you approaching? Most of the women I know, Black, Biracial, White, Asian, etc. would never respond to a greeting such as yours, that way. If those are really the only types of Black women you’ve ever met, then I have to suggest that you relocate.
You don’t love black women. All I’ll say on this, say how you feel all day, which is your right, but don’t believe that lie, not after all you wrote to contradict it. Thanks
Imagine living life being the “butt” of all jokes, the subject of hatred….then you may understand why your attempt at kindness is met with guard. However, it is no excuse to lump all black women in one category. To make the hardest woman on Earth smile should be seen as the greatest conquest.
But let me say this, if being a black woman means I wear the badge of an attitude…I’ll wear it proudly. I expect life to be warfare—it’s art to me. I expect to fight and win battles. I expect to stand alone if I have to. I refuse to stand back and allow those I love to endure alone. When doors have closed in my brothers’, cousins’, friends’, or fiancé’s face I’ve never hesitated to be the one to knock them down. I want people to know that it is better to allow them opportunity than to have to face what I will unleash. I am a force.
I feel no need to compete with my black man. My job is to continue, to make a way, to block, to lead if I must. In history, the greatest insult to a kingdom was for the invader to kill the king and lay with his submissive woman. In my nature, IF my king falls my job is to pick up the crown and continue until WE win or until I join him.
Many black women are forced to play dual roles…historically in this country no one has ever fought for us on a wide scale. However, white men often killed black men to lay with us. So, I find it comical that the same attributes that pulled us through hundreds of years of maltreatment are the ones that black men are tricked into hating. My attitude is the same one of the women who fought against her rapists as they tied her man/son to the end of a rope–to ultimately ended up on the same tree. My attitude refused to give up a seat on a bus and refused to close the casket of a murdered and mutilated son. My attitude brought sons into a world that was out for their blood and it fed not only them but little white ones as well–when their submissive mothers had better things to do than suckle or nourish children.
So when you take time to hate me, or my attitude that helped me climb ladders or excel in school and my community…know the truth of what you hate. I pray you are able to be blessed with the strength and protective nature of a black woman. But also understand, I lose no sleep over it. My man is quite blessed to be with me and I enjoy the comfort of his his struggle, his history, and his natural darkness as well.
Very well said. You definitely articulated how I feel regarding this scenario. Thank you sister, for so eloquently stating what needs to be said.
That was powerful, and beautifully stated.
that comment just made me cry a little bit.
You wouldn’t believe I thought I was reading a book. You are so captivating. Nothing makes me happier than a well educated person. Man woman black white I don’t care I just want to know that you uses your brain. I’m sorry you go through that with black women I am not that way. I haven’t had a man ask me out in a very long time we’ll over a year. I have been courting the same man for almost 2 years now. I’m not a virgin, but we haven’t engaged in intercourse as of yet. Which is why I am so happy with him. He hasn’t pressured me into anything ever. He is so gentle. He’s Cuban and irish. Not exactly flat out black and I will admit if he don’t work out I’m trying to find the closest thing to him I can. I have lost any the consciousness for black men. I think they look good and I have loved them more than words can express I’m just tired of being disrespected when I don’t give black men their way. Did I mention baring four children and getting zero help. I am a faithful Christian I serve God and he blesses me in many ways. I don’t wear natural hair. I haven’t relaxed my hair since april. The man I am seeing now is a true gentleman. He’s always helping me. Even if he’s just carrying my baby I love it. I was in a serious relationship with a black man who has a Puerto Rica father. Mind you he only saw him twice in his 24 years. He was raised mostly by the streets and his mom. Well needless to say when I was pregnant with his 2nd child he was cheating on me. I struggled. By the time I was 7 months pregnant I had to go to the hospital every week from falling, tripping, being weak from lack of nutrients. I fed my two living children and I ate once a day when I could. He did all this because he was in love with the lady who sold weed. Yet please believe that wasn’t the straw that broke the camels back. Btw I lost that baby she lived for 20 days then died. Not one person knew the things I went through but him and his family. He didn’t care hus gf harassed me you know that was the first and last time a woman has ever did that. Again he did not ruin it. It was another man years later. The point is men are taught things that their parents teach them and you are not finding values and morals instilled in them. I never give a man a hard time when approaching me wither I’m taken or I’m not, but I won’t be nasty about it. How do you know I’m taken? I do wear a ring in my wedding fingers for reasons I will not say for everyone to read, but that may also be the reason men haven’t been approaching get me they may think I’m married. I approaching not.looking though. Again I’m sorry you go through that. Try to find people most like you and it may be hard to believe, but you will not find that locally there are women lime you just take your time. Before approaching a woman study her a little. Watch what she dows, what she says, how she moves, where her words take you because you could be coming up to a woman who isn’t mentally ready for a real.man and body language is everything.
Star, thank you for sharing your story. I pray that God shows you just how precious and valuable you are. You are worthy of only the very best. Do not settle for any less. It’s better to be alone than to be with the wrong one. But, thank goodness you are never alone when God is with you.
I don’t know why woman of color would talk to u n this way, I think that’s just plain disrespectful, but I do here what u r saying n I have heard woman talk to men n everyone else this way, so don’t take it too personal bcuz I don’t think it’s u I think it’s the females! I speak to everyone no matter what nationality they r n the one’s that don’t speak bck r most white men…personally I think all men r equal, but I must admit I only went out on a date with a white man, but I didn’t like the outcome of the date…yes I am a black woman!
V- So sorry you’ve had that experience with black women. However that’s no reason to lump all black women in the same category.
Coming to the USA for university I have had my own unfortunate experiences with black men yet I can’t say I’ll never date one. My first day in the USA I went to a coffee house and promptly got cussed out by a group of black men for saying “good morning”.
Subsequent conversations with African-American men over the next few years also revealed I’m also stuck up for talking “white” (whatever that means). I’m also a traitor to my race for refusing to do homework for one of my “black brothers” when he lived in the dorm across the street while I had to get my ass up and commute for 1 hour and be on time for that 8am class. Apparently it was “people like me who help the white man keep N-word down”. Yeah I refuse to say it. If you find it offensive for another race to be calling you that you surely shouldn’t be calling your own people that. BTW I am black.
I got called a traitor again for disliking rap music and liking rock and metal music. Excuse me if I don’t want to constantly hear women being referred to as “hos” and “bitches” about 50 times in 4 minutes.
Never mind the countless times I’ve politely excused myself from black men attempting to chat me up (disrespectfully) all the while staring at my breasts (twice resulting in almost being dragged into a back alley-thank God for those martial arts classes). Then there was the issue of me changing from relaxed hair to braids and then to my natural hair. I suddenly became too hideous to talk to.
Now I could say all black men are lazy, rude, ignorant rapists but that would be an unfair generalization don’t you think?
Omg very well put! God bless you.
You fail to realize that you are probably the 9th random stranger to speak to her on the street. You are probably also the 9th person to remark on her physical aesthetics. Just because you’ve done so politely, does not change anything.
“What up gorgeous!”
“Damn, you fine ma!”
“Look at that ass, god bless you shortie!”
“You fine as hell!”
“Yo, you single?”
“You should let me call you sometime”
“Can I walk with you?”
“Hello beauty, how are you?” <—– then here comes YOU.
yes some remarks are rude but a simple hello should not make women go off lol
It’s not how kind or politely put the comment is, it’s the perceived intent behind it that makes women put their guard up.
Exactly!! I (a black woman) mostly get annoyed if the comments I’m getting are all about my looks, or are sexual. And it’s a shame cause sometimes a guy will say one nice thing; and once I respond back with something nice, he jumps into “you got a man?” Women aren’t living/existing just to get picked up or to be sexually pleasing to a man (whether that be through ogling or through an actual hook up). Just let a woman go about her day. She doesn’t need to be picked up, and she doesn’t need your “compliment”
Black women, as I hope you’d be able to understand, are people. We vary by extreme measures, as do women of all races. But sadly, society has coerced the vast majority to willingly and quickly label us as “angry” or “having very bad attitudes”. Black people in general are judged as a whole rather than as individuals. If a white woman or an Asian woman had given you a negative response, you would’ve just assumed that to be her personal character. But with us, the “one size fits all” analysis is the conclusion that everyone jumps to. So no, we are not all angry, I think here the “you find what you’re looking for” rule applies. If you have in mind that all we will ever be are blatantly unappreciative and disrespectful human beings, im sure that’s all you will ever find us to be. Try changing your perception, we might surprise you. Again we are people, not some fad to be “given up on”. Just as you don’t want a woman stereotyping black men, don’t categorize us as by the mass. It’s unfair. You seem like a well meaning guy, try a different approach. Good luck.
I understand what you mean. I am a Black woman and I have to tell some of my black female friends (just one or two) that they mustn’t be so quick to judge a simple act of kindness or flirtation from men. Besides that, I have always felt so disappointed when it seems some black men have given up on us. I dont believe we will ever give up on yall. But that’s just my opinion. I must admit, I never had a good father figure or decent black men to look up to in terms of finding the right guy to potentially be my husband. But do I sit and have an attitude about it or refrain from them entirely? No. I am aware of historical, societal, and my past exeperience that will garnish hate towards yall. But I refuse to put that in my heart, believe what we were forced to believe, or give up on black love. I want my king 🙂
i would love to know where you live, is it new jersey? i found a lot of people there to be rude lol no seriously are you going to tell me in your lifetime all sisters were rude when you were trying to be a gentleman or was it a handful that turned you off? what is your ideal of a beautiful woman? i cannot believe all have been that unkind to you.
Maybe you should approach them differently. I personally prefer someone to approach me as a person with a brain who has something to offer rather than a greeting pointing out a physical attribute. How many men do you walk up to & say “hello muscles” or “hello handsome”. They’d irivably react the same way. If the majority (as you inferred) reject how you approach them, maybe the common denominator is you.
We are totally on the same page. I love how you said everything that I said in way fewer words. Haha.
Your comment gets two thumbs up from me!
Honestly, I can see why a woman would react that way. Living in Chicago for the majority of my life has given me experience with hundreds of different men of African descent who try to start a conversation with something like, “How are you, beautiful?” And you would think that was fine and dandy, but it’s not. We have a heightened sense of awareness/an instinct about these situations and know what’s behind that creepy “compliment”.
Why would you call a woman you don’t know a nickname? Nicknames are a form of familiarity. If I don’t know you, you don’t have that right. And because you don’t have that right, I know you have an ulterior motive for addressing me as such. I know you’re looking at me in a non-platonic way and, though you may not have tried to and/or you may not have thought this through as much as we do, we still find it creepy. So, instantly, guess what happens?
Our guards shoot up. We are ready to protect ourselves. And, of course, being different people, we all have our different weapons of choice. You happen to get the nasty words, sounds of disgust, and down right rudeness. As I said before, it’s a defense mechanism. We can’t help it. It may not seem like it to you, but you’re coming on too strong and we don’t like it.
There are too many guys out there who have motives that we’re not down with, so we shut it down asap.
Is that fair to you? Not at all. Could you be an amazing guy for someone? Possibly.
But if you’re going to start a conversation with a stranger like that, you might as well be prepared to be turned down because that’s an instantaneous rejection.
To give a brief summary, it is them, but it’s more so you. Just switch up your approach. Start a conversation about something that you notice on their person at that moment that doesn’t cause their train of thought to lead to something sexual. And if they aren’t responsive, count your losses and walk away so that it doesn’t get negative.
Women of African descent are used to being looked at as sexual beings and may be sick of it and disgusted when someone even gives a hint that that’s all they’re good for. So, steer clear, my brother. Be the change that women want to see in men.
This is all my opinion. Based off of my experience. Nothing that I am saying is true for all, but hopefully it’ll help bring a different perspective into play. Good luck.
@Kissed by the sun…I agree wholeheartedly what you’ve said, it’s not that they approach us its the way and the undertones in which they approach us. Starting a normal conversation goes a long way you’d be surprised. ‘”Hello how are you”….. works wonders.
We all are not like that, and sounds as if u r a sweet and genuine man. I guess to say that a lot of us are so offended that black men seem to prefer white women over us especially when wwe will have gone to hell and back withe them then as Kanye stated ” and when he get on he leave your ass for a white girl.” He is not lying though, all you see famous rich black men with are white women. Like we aren’t good enough to stand beside him now that he has made it. So you asked and I’m just explaining from a black womans point of view.I would be a liar if I said it doesn’t bother me to see our successful black men dismiss the very type of woman that raised them, and stood by them when they were nothing. So as for you stay diligent my brother god will send her to you. We all don’t roll our eyes and say rude things because we are mean, most of us have been hurt or are hurt after being loyal tto a man that ends up not bbeing loyal to us, the man that I thought I would be with foever , after he finished ccollege started dating this mixed chic, never mind that he was spending the money that I warned as a nurse.he then went on to leave me with a 3 yr old and 6 month old sons to fend for ourselves. Man he broke my spirit into a million pieces, and it took me years to recover, but I did and I don’t hate black men, I don’t care for the users liars and abuser’s, or the ones that think white women are better than us when they are “ballin”. So there u have it I didn’t mean to be so long winded but that all just spewed out. Good luck to you brother stay strong and diligent.
Consider this simple, basic, obvious truth. Every woman that you have encountered, or will encounter, is not “every” or “all” women. When you consider your individual experiences with different women, please stop making “whatever number of women you have met” be the mathematically nonsensical equation of:
“every/all woman/women that I meet/have met = every woman in the world.”
This view is childish, myopic and very telling about your lack of “depth of insight” and of your “lack of self esteem.”
Think about it…
Like ^^a thousand times over!
So, you’re 25 and every Black woman you’ve encountered has made you feel low? I don’t believe that, because I would never make an attempt to belittle another person and I know that there are more people just like me. But, try simply saying “hello” compliments are even better when it’s presented at the right time. Have a great life, Mr Inventor
V, as a white woman, I can assure you that your “Hello, beauty” is not a welcome approach by many women, regardless of the color of our skin or the originsof our ancestors…Try, instead, a simple smile and “hello”. If she doesn’t have time for you, she won’t respond. If she does, she might smile or nod back, then a “how are you” is welcome. Assuming that all women are looking for your compliments is intrusive and arrogant.
As a woman, I agree; and as a black woman, I doubly agree.
I believe you when u say women of color have demonstrated attitudes with you but can you say all the others haven’t. I know lots of others that wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire. But they don’t have attitudes???
Honestly you seem pretentious, condescending & like you’ve already blocked you mind against black women. No we’re not all the same, we just choose not to waste time on men who make these assumptions and have no plans on staying in our lives anyways.
Why not simply say – “good morning” or “good afternoon”? Why don’t you try that and see how it goes? Imagine a 20-something year old daughter of a US President Bush, Clinton or Obama – would you approach them and say “hello beautiful how are you today?”
Where did you get the idea that any woman like to get pick up line on the street?
I hear you and empathize however what you fail to realize is that by the time you get around to saying hello is because we’ve had to put up with all the demoralizing, degrading and extremely nasty comments from other men who started with a simply good morning and went on to say what they would like me to do with my mouth or what they can to with other parts of my anatomy. So we just go on the offense immediately and let you know we are not interested. As a child growing up into adulthood I’ve had to put up with nasty comments from men off all ages, but especially adult men who you think would have respect for young woman old enough to be there daughters or grand daughters etc. instead the most vile things come from them….. And it all starts with a simple pleasant good morning or good afternoon. The minute you respond in kind they immediately take that as their invitation to tell me in front of all their male friends what I didn’t ask for. So I’ve learned from experience that when some guy says something to you regardless of how pleasant it sounds…. to ignore them. I don’t normal go the cuss out route cause that’s just not me. But sometimes you have to respond cause they start following you and getting up in your personal space. You need to show that you are not some weak work-over who swoons at the nasty shit they think I want to hear. The next time you are able to strick up a convo with a black woman ask them why they carry on like that and listen to what they have to say. You may have a totally different opinion when you hear the answer
It depends on the woman. Not every black woman is going bite your head off for hello beautiful. Don’t put all black women in the same category as others.
I’m a curly hair woman of color/BLACK and I’m married and I still respond kindly when I receive compliments or a nice simple comment from ANY individual. Don’t stereotype. Also, I’m married to a Caucasian man and have seen a good share of insecure white people. I’m strong and independent, I speak up when I want, but I’m also soft, gentle, and kind towards my husband so he doesn’t feel like I’m trying to emasculate him or take his place as head of household. I pray God brings you a strong Black woman to change your viewpoint. Talk about being made fun of, I’m skinny, which isn’t that attractive in the Black community AND I have a giant birthmark that covers about 30% of my face. I never turned away from Black men. I actually began not wanting to give my husband the time of day because he’s white! Anyways, maybe it’s your approach. Try another approach or angle to start conversation.
I am one who always believes in not letting your past dictate your future. That goes for the women who shower you with expletives because of the last man, but also for you. Try not to generalize the encounters you’ve had and have a more positive stance about it – there are some women who are angry and more who aren’t.
Keep being you and keep being respectful and nice. It”ll never hurt anyone. 🙂
That’s not EVERY black woman. You’ve come across women who are ignorant. And it’s hard to hear a guy out when they say what you said and the only thing that they want is sex. I’m sorry that you were disappointed in those encounters, but over-generalizing is wrong. I’ve experienced racism from White people and Hispanics, but I don’t think EVERY Caucasian and Hispanic I cocome across is racist. So don’t do that to black women.
Do all of the women you speak to in that way share something else in common other than skin color?
I spend a lot of time walking around in downtown Atlanta because of my job and every single time a man speaks to me (in a respectful way), I reply with a cheerful hello because God’s glory has shone through me in such a way that someone has taken time to not only notice, but come correctly. There are tons of others they could have spoken to with a more “socially acceptable image”, but they recognized that I adorn myself as a queen and approached me as such. That deserves a response fit for a king. I know I’m not the only one who feels that way.
Perhaps a reevaluation of what catches your eye will hold the key to finding the black women that suit you. You’re worth more than missing out on finding the beauty of the mothers of your own race due to an unjustified generalization…
Not all women respond like that. If a man gives me a compliment, I say thank you. If you go after a “certain” type you will get a certain response. I’m just being honest. Classy ladies don’t act like that. Even if I wasn’t interested, there is no trairn to be rude, hurtful and disrespectful, towards one another.
I’m sorry to hear you say that but many times these brothers are only trying to belitttle us more that we already are. They see us as a conquest and they will go as far as to try the nice guy act just to prove that they can conquer us. I have come to learn that many guys just want to be nice and admire you so i usually wait until they ask for a date or about my relationship status before i say I’m not interested and I’m always very polite about it. I don’t like to put down anyone else whether they are male or female regardless of race and I don’t like them doing it to me. But again i apologize for all the negative reactions you get when you try to be sincere to us.
Every time I hear a black man (I’m assuming you are) or read a statement of your nature, I cringe. I must first say, possibly its the woman you are approaching. It is rather difficult being a woman in today’s society, going about your day often times we are approached in such a negative way.. I.e. “damn, you lookin good ma”, “hey, baby.. can I get your number”, & so on & so on… it becomes frustrating to feel addressed as an abject rather than a woman & often makes for an uncomfortable situation because now we’re worried if we don’t submit to those advances they will come out of the bag. I’m saying this to say, if/when I am approached in the kinder, gentler way you say you do.. I am nothing but kind back whether I’m interested or not as I appreciate a man respectfully approaching me & I am flattered. Even if you’re not my “type” approaching me with decency is likely to be entertained. So again, if your advances are always received badly & they are nasty I have to wonder the type of black women you are approaching. Through all of the horribly disrespectful ways I’ve been approached by SOME black men, I would NEVER count out my entire racesof brothers. I encourage you to revisit this by again truly considering either your approach or the woman you’re choosing to approach but not all of us are as snappy as you’ve excluded here. Good luck to you.
As a women of color I say “Hello” back to you with a gracious smile =^). I’m not sure why other women of color do this, but I use to be like that when I was young, and I didn’t know what to do when a guy approached me. I was more of a tomboy, never had brothers, but always wanted some, so every guy I met was of course put in the friend zone, and every guy who complimented me was snarled at because in my head I was like brothers aren’t suppose to come on to you, and I wasn’t in to guys until my sophomore year in high-school. But when I did that it was because I was young, scared,intimidated, and I didn’t know how to respond. I was just the only child in my own little world, but as I got older I realized that it wasn’t okay to do that. I should always try my best to be nice and gracious to others especially if it was a simply compliment; even a simple “Hello” . There was no reason to be rude or defensive when someone shows you kindness or interest. Im a Christian, but not a perfect one but I do believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. Relating to that, when I read the stories of him; he probably took on more pain and disgrace then us color if women in this age have ever had, and yet Jesus still took every negative thing with grace. So I think it’s silly if a guy says “hello” and a women of color snarls just because she’s been talked down on in her life. I’ve been talked down all the time by my parents and abused by them and sexually abused by a family member, but the only difference is, I’m a forgiver, and I always forgave those who have hurt me because I don’t want to be bitter to others, it’s not a good look. It always makes me feel better when I’m kind to others, especially men who have the courage to say something as simple as a “Hello”. And to you I thank and appreciate your “Hello” and your smile =^) especially on the days when I’m not having a good day.
I find many black women get strength and and attitude mixed up..the psychosis of black women has been manipulated to be jacked up over the past 400 years. You should not place all black women in the same category. ..its like sayin all blonde white women are dumb gold diggers that only date wealthy black men… yet black men will never give up on them as they do their own. The entire community of african americans is twisted..we give up on our ppl across the board.. in relationships, in business,in everything. In stead of giving up on black women ..show them a there is different way to life . Many really do not understand and do not know any better. Unlike white women, black women have been lead to believe submissive means weak and raising kids alone because she chopped his balls off means strong. Along with that we need to raised better black men too… I can go all day on this topic but ita bigger than just a black women. She didnt get that way on her own or bu accident everything is by design
I feel compelled to respond to your post. I have been out with many black women in my life (friends, I am a woman) I have honestly never seen one act as you described unless the man just wouldn’t leave her alone. I see lonely women wishing to be noticed and they are ignored while those same men trip over themselves to talk to the woman already getting a lot of attention. Maybe try something new and seek out the rare gem being overlooked. One thing I will say is women respond to a confident, secure man. They can sniff out insecurity and desperation and it repels them. This seems like the vibe you give off. Just have fun, make friends and hopefully soon love will manifest in your life. You seem like a nice guy, don’t let women change you. There is someone who will appreciate the man you are, keep your head up.
Every ‘no’ is one step closer to your ‘yes’….the ladies you approached were unaware, ignorant and feeble if could not differentiate an ass from a gentleman, or politeness from crass one liners….. Don’t let their blinders block your blessings, your queen is waiting for you!!!
Good Evening “V”. My name is Candace. Pleasure to meet you. [Curtsy]
I read your comment regarding Black women and your requests: “Show me my flaws, show me what I’m blind to, show me that there are other black women available that aren’t so quick to dismiss a genuine man.” May I comment?
OK, first of all, please let me thank you for your preservation, your chivalry, and your valor. This is rare in men nowadays, regardless of race. Thank you. [Smiling]
OK, this is how I see it. When you ask that a woman show you your flaws, I receive that in two ways. I believe that your intention is to understand what it is that you did wrong to make so many Black women respond to you the way they did. Is this accurate? And this is great! This shows that you are receptive and open to change, which is not an easy thing to do. You are willing to allow others to pour into you…to help you grow, and that is truly commendable. But, let me advise you to be careful on who you receive word from. There are some people out there who truly do not have your best interest at heart…who will try to break you simply because they are broken themselves. And the only way to spot these types of people is by noticing the patterns of their character, not their color. Luke 6:44 says, “a tree is known by its fruit.” But the only way to know how to receive messages/signals/words/body language of an individual is to consider their character and counting it as their own. Just like there are white people who smile in your face while stealing $2.5 million from you, there are Black women who are not all bad as well.
It appears as though you were raised in a different era, similarly to the way I’ve been. This is a beautiful thing, but it’s also out of touch with modern society. [Gently smiling] What I mean is, WE people who are like this…like a scene from “Pride and Prejudice”…are not received well. Many times, our kindness is taken for weakness and vulnerability. It’s odd, but there are some people who prey on niceness.
V, can I give you some advice? This may sound very odd and even harsh, but you may want to shield yourself more. It appears as though your heart is in everything you do, which is SUCH a beautiful thing. But there are only so many people who is worthy of that level of care. Do you understand what I mean? [Smiling] Just think about it. Our hearts are in a cage for a reason. The wisest man that ever lived advised us to guard our hearts because out of it flows the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23) And even Morgan Freeman’s character on the movie Million Dollar Baby says, “Show me a fighter who ‘s nothing but heart…and I’ll show you a man waiting for a beating.” [Smiling] I know this is a boxing analogy, but I wanted to show you that everyone will not receive your sincerity so well.
I would NOT advise you to change who you are, but to FILTER who you show that side of yourself to. Change the type of Black women what you open up to and when you find the one who you deem worthy of more of you, then give HER your strength, your honor, your valor, your chivalry…your heart. [Smiling]
Does this make sense? I hope it wasn’t offensive or too much.
Thanks for sharing and thanks for the invite to talk as well. [Wink]
Honestly as a proud black female I get tired of hearing the cap when black men talk about a time they met a black women and she responded with attitude….all black women are not like that…stop saying that crap..I’ve met plenty different races with attitudes and i did not judge all of them with that stereotype..i meet alot of boys in the hood & urban areas with that stereotype. ..& are surprised to meet someone as polite as me..which is sad…black men need to teach there sons that all women are not the same
I respect your comment, but I just want you to consider just why so many women of African descent respond the way some of us may do. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been, & have seen other women approached in the worst manner (boys staring at you & your butt, always attempting to touch women in degrading manners, saying the most ignorant & degrading things to women and if you turn them down, many men say things such as okay f*** you too then b!) and I’m not even just talking about black men. As black women we literally get called the scum of the earth & are truly never good enough. Because of stuff like this many women, myself included, had to question why this boy/man is talking to you. Does he have hidden motives? Does he fetishize black women? And so on. Because of this it is so hard for us to even believe that someone might actually like some of us simply for who we are; not our butts, curves, this or that. Believe it or not, today it is as if all black women are good for is our physical assets because we get hit with the “Y’all black girls better watch out cause white girls getting thick..” As though that is all we are worth. And this is not only perpetuated by society, media, men, and black men, but even black women because so many of us may have internalized this. But, I can understand how that is frustrating. I just want people to understand whey many of us face and I truly wish you the best.
Well, simply put, if Black Women desire to be treated as Queens, of which I have absolutely no issue with….then just try acting like one! I can’t, nor won’t try to speak for all Black Men, but no man (or, a man of any race period) wants, needs, or desires a perpetual headache, along with the usual boat load full of emotional baggage that the majoprity of Black Women bring to the relationship table. Nothing,….sadly, but the same, tired, and annoying Black Women’s unacceptable attitudes, and behaviors. Hence, it’s doesn’t have “thing one” whatsoever to do with “HAIR”. Until, Black Women understand that reality “they” are, and will forever be the “defacto” problem, as it relates to Black relationships across the board. If, not then in effect nothing will change, nor the circumstance that they find themselves. Lastly, hair isn’t really Black Men’s issue…however what it is, and continues to be is the continuing “failure” of Black Women to “take better care of thermselves”, and acting like “real” ladies for a change! Ofl, which it’s more than obvious that the majority of Black Women don’t!
I LOVE EVERY WORD ……. ❤
I wish every women could read your work
I truly appreciate your article. As I was reading it, I was wishing that I was sitting in on that conversation so that I could let Mohawk Fade understand where he is wrong. Thank you for standing up for those who don’t know how to stand up for themselves.
WOW! I love this article. I chose to be bald after my experiences with chemo due to the damaging effects and I get people staring at my head and I even get asked why I don’t wear weave…WTF
My decision to remain bald was truly a day of freedom for me and every time I cut my hair I relish in the delight of that freedom. I am living ‘Me’ for me and no one else…
Society dictated my life for way too long…
Nappy hair is poppin for 1 white people love our hair and our hairstyles and 2 what type of “Men” is this referring to the undercover homo ? Lol iono bout tht but I love WOMAN period this book should’ve said “why black men aren’t attracted to Ratchet black woman” lol
I know right? I have white men and white women fascinated by my hair. I have white women ask me ” how does my hair curl like that” or “I wish my hair did that, the only thing I can do to it is flat iron it” our “what products do you use, can I use that for my hair?” And majority of the time I’m thinking my hair is a hot frizzy mess haha and I just smile at then side ways Lmao.
Beautifully written, brother! I commend you on standing up for sistas and taking brothas to task when they make ignorant (and often, outright false) comments. The only point I would challenge slightly is this idea that somehow a natural, confident sista cannot be submissive or that independence and confidence are antithetical to submissiveness. In truth, the sistas I know are who are the most nurturing and submissive to their men are natural sistas. Submissive doesn’t mean weak, and not every man deserves a woman’s submission but submitting willingly — because you want to, not because you have to — takes confidence, and is something that a woman has to be completely sure of herself and secure to do. All the neck rolling, “I don’t need no man” rhetoric is a sign of insecurity, and being weak and weak-minded is not the same as being submissive. That aside, beautifully written and refreshing. I enjoyed the poetry as well. Blessings!
Somehow it seems any Black man who dislikes Black women is very stereotypical. They judge us and say we all act/talk like this/that & it’s all negative. However, the non Black society does the same towards Black men & they don’t like it. These same self hating males will cheer on/look up to other males who disrespect Black women. Very few Black males will say, I will boycott this mainstream media/music industry because it disrespects & does not positively reflect the Black woman. They are idiots generating hateful energy. Hopefully soon they’ll realize that until they lift up the Black woman- (((No that does not mean she has to “get with u” or give u her time/number for u to do so))) they themselves will never be powerful in this society or within the society of any other race.
Not true! I clearly remember …back in the day when Rap was in full swing that there were more than a few Black men, Black Women, and the Black Community that openly complained about the horrible, negative images that Black Women protrayed in the overwhelming majority of those videos. So, Rappers started using non-black women instead. And, guess what happened next? Black women came running back talking all their “smack” talking about rappers having a preference for non-black women as opposed to Black Women! That, response clearly showed the world that Black Women wanted that very kind of expousure! So, why complain? Sorry, Black Women you can’t have it both ways.
I personally think black women with natural hair are sexy but i know some guys who don’t like it and i don’t think it has anything to do with the perceived submissive nature of a woman. I think people just are attracted to different things.
Yes that is true as well. I have some guy friends who like me to wear my natural hair and others like it straight, or pin curled. We can’t be too mad that men like certain things, and we shouldn’t force them to like natural either. My boyfriend of almost 6 years loves my natural hair and he loves it’d straight as well but hates it when I have it straight and Its In a ponytail, but loves it when it’s curly In a puff ._.
“Lack of a phat ass does not make you “less black”.
Lack of long hair does not make you “less black”.
An inability to dance doesn’t make you “less black”.
Speaking properly doesn’t make you “less black”.
Your melanie is goregous, queen. Mmm.
Yo’ shade, yo’ shade.
Kim K & Iggy want to be you so bad.
No shade, no shade.
Never forget the very features of yourself you were always taught to hate,
are the very features the world now tries emulate.”
You said it brother! I co–sign 100%!!! Wonderful post!
Great read! I often wonder how a black man born of a black woman, surrounded by black sisters, etc . Can hate and disrespect black women! Black families are more accepting of other races than other races are accepting of blacks! I know other races have that talk with their children about who and who not to date. However, we as blacks are more accepting and never talk to our children about this! I must admit that it bothers me more to see a brother with a woman of another race more than it bothers me to see a sister with a white man!
Reblogged this on poeticice and commented:
This is a great article to read. It makes appreciate my beautiful, strong, natural haired, passionate wife even more.
I truly enjoyed reading this article! I also agree that not all black women have this unkind, unapproachable attitude. Where are you meeting these women? Are you aware that it is WHAT catches your eye that has you wanting to approach these ‘ratchet black women’? I despise the fact that these are the ‘bad b***hes’ men want, then shun all black women when they get what they chose. Real women aren’t concerned with being wanted by everyone and don’t have this false ego looming over us. We’ll eventually cross paths with someone who wants us for who we are. We are proud because of our accomplishments….not because everyone wants to have sex with us. A man has to know exactly what he wants in order to know what to look for. Women, by nature are loving, caring, sentimental, understanding, and so on. Some have let poor experiences with men leave them with insecurities but not all STAY that way. You guys be blessed.
Great articals i am so proud of my natural hair, i love me 1st, my hair does not define me!! ‘strong black woman’**
As a dark skin black woman with short natural hair, I must commend you on your article. I love it. I will never understand why dark skin women has a problem with being dark. I love my dark skin, and has never had a problem being dark. My dad and brothers always made me felt beautifully, I never wanted to be lighter than I am. As I grow older I’m even more appreciative of my color. I don’t care what black, white, Chinese or anyone else say about my color. I love me.
I think sister need to stop giving black men so much power over them, by refusing to care about what they think about us all the time. If as the the brother V say, every time he approaches a black woman she’s rude to him. Then that’s on him, if he’s too stupid to keep approaching the same kind of women over and over, knowing he’s going to get the same results, or perhaps looking for the same result. That tells me everything I need to know about him. There’s so many black women in the world.
I have no respect for a black man, who because he’s had some bad expect with black women, think it’s ok to put all black women down, we’ve all had bad experiences with people, that doesn’t mean they’re all bad. We’re individual. As a mother of a black son, I love the respect my son have for black women, even though he dated women of all races. BLACK WOMEN WE’RE BEAUTIFUL IN ALL OUR DIFFERENT SHADES, STOP LETTING BLACK MEN TELL YOU THAT AIN’T SO. ATTITUDES AND ALL.
I read dat kinfolk n I understand exactly wur u cumin from n I wona c sum mo of yo articles juz 2 c wat else u gtta say…..but I love my blacc women hell u mean I love all women
All my life have been teased for being dark, “too black.” It wasn’t until I came to Atlanta from nebraska, at age 29!, that I became comfortable with my skin. I have been natural for 3 years and it is a struggle. Media has shown us that light skinned with long hair is beautiful. When I wear extentions, people in general smile at me and talk to me, they will even give up their seats in the train. But nappy me, has to stand up and open my own doors. Idk maybe it’s they way I carry myself when I wear my hair natural?
Me and the “black” woman have struggled a great deal throughout my life. I’ve always found women of every ethnicity attractive, but the “black women” that I had the pleasure of growing up with never really gave me a chance. Fortunately, women of other ethnicities did not always treat me as haphazardly, unconcerned if my projected persona was “black enough”, nevermind the obvious oversights and stereotypes that constitute the “black” identity America condones (smh), just the application of such biases was enough for me to stop chasing the “sistas”, seeing as they never gave the real me a shot anyway.
I’m still glad that I didn’t let that blind me to the beauty of African-lineat females, of course not generalizing an entire demographic for the faults of the few. But surprisingly, at my lowest point I garnered the attention and attraction of one of my old tormenters; guess she matured in the time since we knew eachother in highschool.
To all my real African Americans out there, bless you for being people first and a race dead last. Soul is what yields truth and healing, and no matter who calls you what or why, you are more than any mortal words could ever dictate or describe 😉 ❤
Thank you for posting this, it is wonderful to hear.
Your experience isn’t as isolated to the “black” community as many think. The number of closed minded “white” people who will ride you for not acting or looking white is astounding. And I see this in all cultures and races. fill in the blank with Chinese or Mexican, or even sexes: You aren’t acting like a Man! Get your $# together.
So many always preach the end of oppression, but it all usually ends with “Shed their yoke, and put on mine!”
God Bless all people who are truly free of “isms”. Maybe some day we will get to a point where articles like this wont need to even exist. But I don’t see it ending in my short life.
Again, peace and God Bless
ALL BLACK WOMEN DO NOT REPLY WITH SMART REMARKS. ALL BLACK WOMEN DO NOT HAVE ATTITUDES. All i hear is people saying we have smart mouths but no, thats wrong.
Many times most of us do carry slick attitudes is because of the negative view we get from people. Always being laughed at or talked about just because of our skin color and hair type, just because we are different from the world. It all can make us so angry (it can make anyone angry) an attitude is the way we can express our anger, but not all women express their anger that way. Some of us just take the pain and vent to god. I believe that that makes us stronger everyday and encourages us to keep negative activity to ourselves and to god.
That was a very insightful article that contained some key points. The Brother that”s so disinchanted with the sisters of his own culture obviously doesn’t know identity crisis from variety. We love versatility, so for the women that go from afro to press and curl to weave to braids and back to an afro, I commend you because I’ve done that too. Who cares because he doesn’t respect women of color and that he believes that afro wearing women have big mouths. It’s not that they have big mouths its that they are not going to take crap from someone making attempts to control them like some kind of farm animal to be herded into a pin and waiting for the slaughter. Women are sick of these boys pretending to be men and treated like kings, lifting them up and then only to be degraded and treated like animals in a petting zoo for their amusement. When the men get on their feet they find the next women, they think is a vulnerable and unsuspecting female and they latch on only to use her up to be cared for. Please, stay over there with that puerto rican woman, and when she’s done with you and you do something to piss her off and she takes the house, car, bank account that you help her build and runs off and finds the puerto rican man of her dreams don’t get mad and don’t go looking for a sister. If you do I hope she sees through your narrow mind and how hateful and angry you really are towards your own race…
Do the women of color a favor and create a sight and invite men that think just like you so they won’t have a hard time avoiding you and waisting their time dating thinking that your family and marriage material.
P.S. I commend you Brother for your article, thank you for your stand and mentoring, hopefully, it will bring some light into some dark minds. Blessings to you have a good day.
I haven’t had an issue with Black men liking my natural hair, which happens to be in long locs at the moment. I get compliments and attention all of the time. I love my hair and any man who feels intimidated by my appearance is not the man for me. That being the case, this is a mute point in my life. *shrugs* Men who are insecure within themselves will find ANY reason to be intimidated by a woman. And I have no explanation for the rudeness of some of my sisters. This isn’t something that black men experience exclusively. I can smile at a sister and say, “Cute baby,” or “I love your shoes.” The amount of eye rolling and stank replies is just disarming. Some women will just give you the nasty up and down look as soon as you enter a room. It is just dumb and 100% of the reason why I don’t keep company with groups of women…despite being in a Sorority, which in itself can be a challenge. I wish I had all of the answers, this probably predates Emancipation, but it is worthy of exploration and healthy dialogue.
The first comment seems like some grade A bullshit!!!! LOL!!!! His odds are unrealistic….How many black women have you dated…1 1/2…As a black woman, a strong black woman… I have never…as far as my circle….came across a black women that would reject chivalry. Get real. I’ve always felt that men who date a woman because of her color, are weak, and to be quite honest I feel like they are doing us black women a favor. Typically they are weak minded men, with very little structure. So, white, hispanic, light, green, purple, Kardashian….Thanks for weeding out these psycho ass Negros. Keep up the good work, real men need apply. As far as black women on the bottom of the totem pole…That is a misconception. White Man, White Woman, Black Woman, Black Male. If you look back to slavery times, the white men wanted to degrade black men. They put the black woman in charge of the house. They wanted to make black men inferior, which is how the persona of a strong black woman came about. For a Black Man to let another man sell their child, challenges the perception as the man protecting his home. Black men are seen powerless. Even today, that is why there are so many single homes. There has always been a relationship between White Men and Black Women. White Men have a strong sexual attraction to Black Women, neglecting their women. Hence the attraction between the two rejects (White Women, Black Men) came about. So secretly, the order of power is White Men, Black Women, White Women, Black Men. But they will never say that aloud. For me personally, I really don’t care about how black men feel about us. I think they need to start caring about how they feel about themselves…and then maybe just maybe, they can arise to their proper place where it is Black Men, Black Women, White Men, White Women.
And personally I feel that Black Men are VERY Jealous of us. Who do you see in top ranks in corporate America out of the two. It’s sad. You see more black women than you do black men. The white man is def trying to keep our men down, climb out of that slump and take whats yours, instead of downing black women and suggesting that we are wild rude beast with no training. No. We are strong minded beings who show no sign of weakness, because we endured the most. We would not let the white man beat us down. So excuse me if we do not speak the language of Submission. We were never meant to submit, we were meant to born and support our kings (the black man). We can do that when Black Men start carrying themselves as such!!!
This is wondering!
I’m a young black, 22 to be exact and those ignorant remarks Mohawk Fade was making really bothered me that he thinks that way. He hasn’t met every black woman in this world so he can’t refer to all black women when speaking. I love myself & every curve I have. When a man approaches me saying “Hey beautiful” or “How u doin gorgeous” I simply say Hi I’m fine & if he’s trying to go further but I don’t want to I politely decline. Please don’t say black women always have an attitude when you can’t even begin to understand the struggle of a black woman. We are held to such high standards by our own black men & they don’t even realize it. I can tell you most of the men that approach me are black & they constantly tell me they love my confidence, the way I carry myself & my character & they never think I’m 22, they always think I’m older even tho I look 16, but I don’t come off like I’m 22. I always walk with my head held high, me & my 3 kids. It’s all because I was raised by a strong black woman. I speak my mind but I don’t have a bad attitude. If you can’t handle that then you’re simply weak. All these women that are not of color try so hard to be like women of color but nobody is bashing, which something I wilk never understand. I wear my hair natural, relaxed, weaved, all that but it damn sure aint because I hate myself be cause my natural hair is long curly & wavy. I do it because I want to, never to impress y’all ignorant niggas. Try sitting down having a convo with a strong black women & have an open mind, not a weak one. That’s all from me….I love the article ❤
utter rubbish in my option having a nappy head makes you a symbol of a strong black woman? so how about a crack head woman with nappy hair is she a strong black woman? this article is rubbish all it speaks to is men not wanting a black woman because of her hair style? the rule of thumb with attraction is how you look your APPEARANCE or in some case how you carry yourself through personality or deed. and it mostly, with men how you look. and when a woman speaks her view on a matter it is usually not what she says but how she says it if you speak to your spouse with a certain tone that can be easily subjected as annoyance anger rage or frustration it will be deemed as an attitude. and it shows lack of respect, also it raises problems cause he doesn’t want to be spoken to in that tone. and it is the same for a female she does not want to be spoken to in that manner either i have met alot of these so called strong black women and their attitude stinks towards their spouse and then they make an excuse when the man leaves “that he cant handle you” well he left because of you and your subjective and dis-respectful attitude then the next thing they post or speak utter rubbish to a friend or to the public as an article.
Tupac said, “& even though you were a crack fiend, mama, you always were a BLACK QUEEN, mama.” This disproves your weak assertion. Judging a woman or man by their vice says less about them, & more about you.
Furthermore, any woman or man who has a stinky attiude CAN be considered strong, ONLY after they display the strength to self edify & manifest integrity through their verbiage & loquaciousness.
Thank you for taking time out to read my work, it’s humbling. Peace & blessings to you.
Great article but I’m always surprised when I hear stories such as black men and other races not finding black women attractive. Being a black woman, I’ve never been treated as such and been approached by men of other races. What I’ve found is that people tend to lump a race into one category if they have had a bad experience which is not fair. I’m married to a black man and I have two daughters and the most important thing is for me to show them that I love myself. We have to stop putting people in a box, stop comparing each other and build each other up and not tear down. If black women want to wear their natural, so be it but they want to wear weave or straight, that does not mean they hate themselves. They make fun of our skin, hair, lips, thighs, butts etc but these are things they covet. No one talks about white women tanning, wearing extensions and all the plastic surgeries they do to have what we have. Do they hate themselves as well or is self hate just exclusive to black women? Black men take pride in who you are but do not do it at the expense of black women because it only shows negatively at your character. If you don’t find black women attractive, fine but be honest as to why. Reverting black to the same old stereotypes about being loud and attitude is played out. The fact that black women are out earning black men and are in higher position in corporate America speak volumes. Black women, stop limiting yourselves only to black men which give them too much power over you, they feel as though they are only ones that will love you. That’s not true! Go where men of different cultures are and they will flock to you. Once black men realize that other men are taking ‘their’ women they will come to appreciate black women more. Black women hold your heads high, you are beautiful, smart and amazingly strong! Not all black men are like that, I’m married to the most black man ever and thank God for him.
Well Said ! I couldn’t have written it better.
I’ve read most of the comment section and it seems to be plauged with a vast ammount of misconceptions especially concerning black men (contrasted with their statistically documneted behaviour) so I’d just like to set the record straight. Regarding your comment about earning just because black women are more likely to graduate from college than their male counterparts doesn’t mean that they out-earn black men. Actually, black men are more likely than black women to bring home at least $75,000 annually. Plus, double the number of black men than women make at least $250,000 annually because of pervasive gender gaps in income.
Another point I’d like to address are the assumptions that black men are flying the coop en masse and “like white women more” or that the vast majority of black women are single because back men don’t marry them, i work as a statistician (and I’ve seen the dating and marriage statistics for the past 10 years) and those are honestly the biggest bunch of lies being propogated towards black women and the black community in general. Black men date and marry black women over 9X more than women of any other race (and yes that includes white women), also that BS regarding 70% of black women being single is exactly that, bullshit. The truth is 75% of black women marry before they turn 35 this percentage is acquired after examining census data from 2005 to 2009. Moreover, black women in small towns have higher marriage rates than white women in urban centers such as New York and Los Angeles.
Another misconception typically attached to black men is that once they’re “successful” they’d rather opt to date out (as previously stated by another female poster) which is again scathingly untrue. The truth is over 83% of married black men who earned $100,000 or over are married to black women and as the number of colledge educated black males that earn that amount of money grows, even more are getting married to black women that are close to the same earning bracket annually.
Something else I’d like to adress is the almost automatic assumption (at least from the black female friends that I’ve known) that it’s impossible for a well educated black woman to get married to a member of her own racial group with a similar status. Black women who finish college actually improve their chances of marrying rather than lower them. Among black women, 70% of college graduates are married to other black men by the age of 40, whereas only about 60% of black female high school graduates are married by that age. The same trend is can also be seen when examining your men where 76% of black men with a college degree are married to other black womem by age 40. In contrast, only 63% of black men get married to black women with just a high school diploma.
I recently decided to test black mens “preference” for women of other races in a small private survey I conducted. I tested 3,600 single black males between the ages of 19-35 who were either, currently attending college, going to work or doing both and the results showed that just a little over 90% of them preferred black women to women of any other race, just over 7.5% weren’t bothered about the race of their future partner and less than 2.5% of them preffered women of other races, so relax your men aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. So when you do see a male member of your racial group disrespecting or belittling you it’s good to remember that they only represent a very small minority and that the overwhelming majority of your men date, marry, preffer and appreciate you, a sentiment that isn’t often expressed or shown (no matter how true it is) in the media or by that small group of your men who use the Internet as their soapbox in which to spit their poisonus vitriol at you (while simultaneously kissing the ass of their favorite race of women, which is quite pathetic) because of the black women that probably hurt them.
I hope this puts things in perspective for you, as a muslim arab woman my self I’m constantly being bombarded by negative images in the mainstream media of men from my own racial group as extremists, misogynists and extremely violent when the truth is so, so exceedingly different. Excuse my language, spelling and grammar errors (I typed this up on my phone) I just feel that the dating and marrital habits of black men are so often horribly misconstrued in order to construct the image that they favour women of other racial backgrounds (especially white women by a massive factor) and then presented as complete hyperbole creating an unnecessary misunderstanding between both of you to which keeps your community fractured and appart (they’re essentially trying to do the same thing with us but are using a different set of tools).
So as a woman of a minority group to another, don’t allways take what the media says about your men or your relationships at face value because the truth is often quite different. I’d hate to see a community that has been through so much together torn apart by misinformation.
It’s just hair….and men AND WOMEN are free to be attracted to whomever they wish (including screwed up Kanye–by the way, who the heck KNOWS how much Kim K. has to put up with dealing with dude. No thanks! But I digress…) People want what they want…who cares if you might not get cat calls walking down the street because you’re rockin your dreds OR your 22 inch Brazilian Remy? I endeavor to continually educate myself, help others in the process and not become fixated on this stupid issue of nappy hair, no hair, natural hair (which by the way, many people color) weaves, wigs, braids…do YOU. But don’t knock how I choose to wear my hair or think you’re more ‘down’ cuz you’d rather be nappy.
I was just reading your article on face book.. I must say I’m a mature woman in her 50s and decided to go natural, and it’s been a long while since I really felt the texture of my hair and the way people young and old compliment me on the way my hair grows.. When I decided to go natural I struggled with the thoughts of how people would respond to the way I looked. You see I wore weaves and braids all to fit into the image that’s what men found attractive. I tell you this I feel so liberated, for the first time in over 35yrs I haven’t seen my own hair in its glory.. I’m loving my crown…
Thank you for your support and for the love and direction you are showing our young generation..
Peace and Blessings…
…as a Black woman..I just wonder do Black men not remember in grade school how they would make fun of us ? Call us ugly, monkey, talk about our lips and tell us to go back to Africa? And some more stuff like..that sticks with you, remembering not being picked because your hair was too short or your eye color wasn’t “pretty” black girls have always been the butt end of a joke.
I mean theres no wonder some black girls get defensive after going through that at an early age.
Like how is a Black girl supposed to get past that ? When Black men are consistently saying black women are unattractive and they don’t want anything to do with us ?
So when you approach a Black woman and she has an “attitude” its almost justifiable..
I mean based on society and the media and black men themselves, you’ve already told us were ugly, we know you think we’re lazy and stupid or crazy or full of attitude…so why are you talking to me ? You can’t be interested..Surly theres no way you think I,a black woman, could be of assistance..is this another joke? Are you just trying to use me for something ? We have all that to think about so you probably will get a “what?” instead of a fair “Hi” ..an “uhhm mmm” instead of “thank you”..
Im nice to everyone, because I know everyone isn’t the same. But you cant expect anyone to just wake up and wear the belt that’s been beating them thier whole life.
Why? I did and it made me a better man. And their is nothing, nothing more beautirul than a black woman.Just because your 21 you may not be a woman!
liked that article.Me if i wear weaves it’s because i don’t want a dye my hair.I have long hair so it would be crazy for me to dye them.And if i wear my hair natural lets just say that i have a big but a big fro
I would like to know what kind of black women these men are approaching. Just the other day I was minding my business and pumping gas and didn’t realize a guy and his friend were watching me from across the street. Before I left the station they pulled up next to me and told me they were wondering who the fine woman was across the street. I smiled and just kept saying, “Aww, thank you! Thank you!” We engaged in small talk and I noticed the friend who found me attractive must have been super shy because other than a nod he wouldn’t really look at me. I noticed he was smoking something and cigarettes give me a God awful headache. They must have noticed something different about the way I carry myself because the outspoken one said, “You probably got a man don’t you?” I said, “No, I’m single but I am talking to someone right now. I don’t want to lie to you.” We ended the conversation very polite and full of smiles and I thanked them so much for just having the courage to approach me and how flattered I was they even thought I was attractive. When I hear men say all black women have attitudes I just want to know why they don’t have discernment of which black women to approach. I’ll admit the smoking super turned me off and immediately made me think of coughing and having headaches around this man all the time but I was not going to shoot him down or give him attitude. I love black men, I hope to God I marry a black man and have little chocolate drops of all shades! I won’t shoot you down brothers, I know how much courage it takes you to even step to me so even if I am not feeling you I make it my goal to make sure you leave me with a smile on your face and enough confidence to approach the next Queen who sparks your interest. I will never give you attitude. As many times as some of you have called me out of my name, dissed me for wearing weave as I grow out my natural hair, pick at me for being plus size, call me white for speaking proper English and call me snowflake and Oreo for not letting you cheat off of my papers when I was in school, for saying I had a cute face but my butt was too big, for cheating on me because I am a virgin and keeping me in rotation as you went through several women, for not giving me time and attention and so many other things. Despite that and several other things I have heard from SOME black men about me (or black women in general) I will never say that all of you will treat me like that. I love and have the utmost respect for the black man, he’s a King, He’s strong, sexy and his masculinity just does something to me I can’t explain. I can’t wait to submit to such a man! I know he’s out there and I will never write off ALL black men because of the ones who didn’t realize they had a Queen on their hands. That’s the type of black man I’m saving my body, my heart, my title as wife and mother of his children for! Now if God sends me a man of another race I don’t know what I will do but I’ll get by, lol! I really do love you black men!
Great article, but maybe im just not attracted to black woman with nappy hair simple as that. it Has nothing to do with race or anything in that nature. Now before this turns into some kind of racist thing. My father is black and my mother is African. I am light skin to most people and to others i am black. Im sure color, height, hair style doesn’t define a person in most cases. But when i see a black women with nappy hair, if im not attracted im not attracted simple as that. there is not psychological reasoning behind it or mental thought behind it with any sort of reasoning. It’s just not my taste. Same way some people aren’t attracted to skinny people, over weight people, bodybuilders, short people or tall people. Everyone has their personal preference of what they like and go for and for some people it’s just not nappy head black woman. Same way some people would never date an actual Chinese or Japanese person.
Yohannes, what kind of hair does your mother possess ? Nappy hair ? Then your mother “turns u off”, This is incredible, what you fail to notice is that this is not a white guy stating “i only love blondes”this is your distaste for a whole race of women based upon the natural state of their hair. I dont care what you think, black women are beautiful and special, one lost black man means nothing to us.
No my mother Doesn’t … and wtf is my mother supposed to turn me on? amd i supposed to feel sexually attracted to my mother? who even thinks like that along those lines when they see their mother. Obviously this flew right over your head and you took it extremely personal. The point is people have different preference no one said anyone is ugly or anything. It’s and i REPEAT A PERSONAL PREFERENCE of what you want. You don’t necessarily need a 1000$ gucci bag when you can get a regular hang bag that cost 100$ and serves the same purpose. But you get it for personal preference. Now don’t nip at my example and take it out of context in trying to say there are different values in race or gender. Because i respect and appreciate everyone equally. Im just simply stating preference. Why dont you date asian people? because they just dont appeal to you that way. I dont feel a distaste for any person, but i have found that im not attracted to most black women. it’s not a crime, i never said nappy hair is ugly. I just simple stated its not what im attracted to and it has nothing to do with confidence or any mental/psychological reasons. Obviously you cared enough to reply, Now stop trying to make an issues out of something that isn’t there and try to comprehend that personal preference is a thing that dosnt have to do with being racist or anything in that nature.
I find the comments of women of color as being rude and unapproachable staggering. I’ve been around all races and women across the board tend to react the same but black women are perceived differently, why? Like a lot of the comments I’ve seen, I also am approached more by men outside my race with my natural curly hair. And I’m admire by white women because I can change my styles including adding weave or braids because of the dynamics of our hair structure. Changing our hairstyles is not self hate, its unique because no other race of women have the ability to hold styles like us. Other races see this and admire it, while my black men bash us either way we wear our hair. And generalize us as a group of sassy mouth savages, all the while depicting the standard stereotype of a disrespectful womanizing black man. We must come to love our race, our heritage, our hair and each other whole heartily even if we date or marry outside our race.
LOVE the article, but with all due respect not all women of color have the same issue you’re talking about. Not all of us go through this, and its alienating when people kinda just group us and our struggles together when we don’t all have those issues. If the girl from the article is the one in the picture, she’s not habesha. I’m a dark habesha and I know what my people look like. She’s an ABSOLUTE beauty but she’s still not habesha and its a bit disingenuous for you to include that in there when there’s no point to it. This is an issue i’ve discussed with with my habesha girl friends and it really isn’t an issue we face because we don’t have this issue with our culture and our men, the majority (98%) of ethiopian men date and marry ethiopian women, the women stray more if anything because other men often raise them so highly. This self hatred thing you talk of isn’t in our culture and I don’t like that you just threw that in there. I have a lot of habesha girl friends and the majority of us allready have thick long hair and even the ones who have short hair generally do not wear a weave, so yea not to seem rude but I’m just sticking up for my culture and people here, please correct that.
Sigh, to the guy who wrote a treatise on how rude and nasty black woman are and THAT’s why he dates white women. One what exactly does your dating white women have to do with my “natural” hair? Um date who you love and get over yourself.
Two, your compliments are unneeded, unwanted and unnecessary. I can’t tell you how many times I have been called stuck up, a b*tch or some other thing by a man who thinks that if he says something to me I must then say something back, own him a response or a bit of my precious time. That being said I abhor rudeness and think that maybe you didn’t deserve to be cussed out or rudely rejected.
BUT! still no body owes you a hello just because you say it, and I as a woman am extremely cautious of who I speak to. Men approaching on the street women is dangerous for the woman. When was the last time a man was beaten, raped or killed in public by a woman who didn’t know him. When was the last time a woman aggressively came up to you and then called you names when you didn’t respond to her advances? I have been grabbed, touched, and threatened on the street. I have been catcalled and chased. EVERY woman has a story, every woman.
Lastly, I know that many black man feel that black women are missing them in the dating pool because they chose to date a non-black or whatever woman, sorry but that ship has sailed and many black women are discovering that they can and should date men of other races or categories. Its ok, we are doing fine, dating who we want just like you and the world will keep turning if you aren’t dating black women. Please continue to do you, really ain’t nobody checkin fo you like that, lol!
My mother told me when I was a young teenager starting to date, “How you carry yourself will determine what will approach you”. Not all men can approach me. If a gentleman speaks, I will respond as a lady. It’s all about paying attention to body language. I am selective as to who I choose to allow to share my time and space. It’s not being uppity, I deserve the best because my existence has been created by the best. I have dated men of different races, but my personal preference is the black man. There is nothing like him and I, a black woman was created for the black man.
African descended men adore other races of women because they hate themselves and have low self esteem. How can you say you love your mother, the woman who gave you life, yet despise women who look like her. I am a Caribbean Black woman and while our men are not as deluded as African-American males this problem is not unique to you. Our men would find every problem under the sun from the trivial to the tremendous to turn away from us but are very tolerant towards the other groups. When they look in the mirrors they see failure when compared to other men and so they direct their misplaced anger towards their women.
African men would cherish the lowest grade of women once they had straight hair, light skin and eyes (exp Kanye West) and would leave their own undone.
I am sick of this discussion who cares what black men want. Ladies love who love you and keep it moving.
I am a blk woman… mixed with white German mother and a blk American father. my complexion leaves no mistake for the eye of another though. I’m blk, therefore I MUST BE AFRICAN (AMERICAN). indeed though, I am German (nationality), born n raised in Germany for most of my life.
the genes of my father are strong. I am “only” the oldest of 13 children from his seed. my hair is indeed “nappy” n only reason relaxing it is easier, is because here in Germany where I indeed live now, products for my hair are unfairly high in cost. relaxing makes it easier to handle.
all my life, ppl have expected me to chose my race. “so, u blk or nah? do u FEEL like u’re blk? how can u believe to understand OUR blk history?” well, I sure was blk n good enough to fit into the n-word catagory for those white kids I shared my school yrs with. and even today, just by looking at me alone, without me losing a word of being mixed, I AM A BLK WOMAN.
my beautiful father passed on blk history n yes, it is taught in German school as well. but “blk or nah?” is something only an ignorant being may ask. respect me n indeed u shall receive the same. at the end of the day, I will wear what I want (clothes, makeup n hair), speak my blunt mind and yet be kind to those who seek kindness fit for me.
its sad to see ppl in this day n age still make everything to be a racial matter. we’re all special, we all have flaws. in every country, worldwide.
if I see a beautiful woman, screw her color. I so don’t mind telling her.
what the future holds begins at home. how n what we teach our children as well as the example we set for them inside home n out.
the world is so much more than black n white… everyone should feel embraced!
trouble nr 1 is ppl putting each other down in general. until that’s realized, unlikely anything will ever change, let alone for the better.
ignorance has no color nor a race.
just my 2 cents. greetings from Germany.
sincerely, a (beautiful cuz my Momma n Daddy told me so) German Black Woman
I just want my kids to have good hair and light skin. That’s why I’m not attracted to black women.
I love Being black. I remember your first article from this. Abreeham lol. You have to know the whole story to laugh with…..
Well that, or just no one wants a nappy haired chick on their arm smdh.. Fooling yourselves believing this BS
Very thought-provoking and well written!
Love the article, hate the title
Maybe some of you actually need to evaluate the kind of woman you are approaching. You can get the same slick response from an asian, indian, caucasian, etc woman walking down a street in manhattan. There are always factors to consider. For example, mayb shes in a rush and dont wanna talk or shes havin a bad day.
The generalizations need to stop. Not all females are the same. If you keep meeting the same wrong type of female, evaluate yourself and how u end up wit that type of female over and over. Dont blame it on skin tone. Thats very ignorant. Plus I dont believe that all black women who are approached in a respectful manner would react in a disrespectful way. That dont even make sense.
Honestly it sounds like the guys in this conversation did not grow up with a black man (husband/father) living in the home.
Is there any other woman on the planet whose hair evokes such psycho-socio, political, cultural, historical, emotionally, mentally, intellectually dramatic responses from men?
Its just hair! HAIR the same stuff that grows out of the heads of most black men in the same colors and textures. If a black woman chooses to wear a wig, weave, braids, straight, curly, kinky its usually a combination of fashion statement and convenience with a splash of hair health.
OMG some people are so totally cray cray! ITS JUST HAIR PEOPLE!
This Mohawk guy talks about not wanting to have his kids raised by a Black Woman, does he realize that Black Women were the backbones and foundations of a lot of families and therefore the family structure of America in slavery days and beyond? Black Women were the one’s taking care of White children ALL.THE.TIME. Breast feeding them, even. Then this idiot goes on to talk about how Black Women don’t have identity because of their choices in hair texture and hair coloring. Umm, has he ever seen a freaking Nat Geo issue? The continent of Africa defines beauty in VERY different forms; heat added to hair, twists, braids, red ochre to change the color and texture of hair, etc. As far as this “attitude” that he keeps referring to, how exactly would he deal with being treated as the lowest of the low in society? He’d continue to act submissive all the time even in the face of blatant disrespect? Black women don’t have ENOUGH attitude most of the time, that’s why these fools can get away with half the things that they do. When the marches were happening and needed to be organized, who was doing it? When the tear gas and police dogs were attacking who did you see in HUGE numbers? When there are single parent homes, who do you see taking care of their own children and then have jobs taking care of other people’s children? Who do you see going to college in large numbers? Who do you see adding greatness and culture that could otherwise never be mustered up in corporate America? Fighting for Black men relentlessly? BLACK. WOMEN.
I personally get more attention and approached by more men when I wear my hair natural ..but maybe because I do carry a different confidence while rocking my fro. When I wear a long I actually gets no holla lol
It’s really sad that “some” men think this way about black women, I just don’t understand it.
I posted the comment about habesha women and not having the same issue and i noticed you still have not approved the comment despite their being nothing offensive or rude in it. This has convinced me indeed that you were lying about the habesha comment and dating one. Men like you seem to preach about loving black women and still holding on to a ranking of black women where habesha and other like women seem to rest at the top and you get a kick out of bragging that you’re dating one. No proper Ethiopian woman would date you because we love and respect our men and we don’t date men with a need to have us as a form of self validation. APPROVE THAT.
So many of our black men are wearing blinders, therefore they can’t the beauty of all black women. It’s a sad that they believe that if you have long hair straight hair you are superior. But if the black woman is seen with her natural hair they can’t respect her, they can’t see her strength, her confidence, her love of family. She is seen as inferior. Several months ago I decided to cut my hair that was below my shoulders. I felt free, I felt the real me. My black men can you see me?
Interesting article and a good read. It is just hair though like seriously people. Not all black women are born with curly hair it is the same way that some black people have green or blue eyes with no history of Caucasians in previous generations. I’m of Nigerian decent born there raised in the UK and college in the US. My mum is a prime example she was born with bone straight black hair and all her siblings had curly hair and she wanted curly hair so much that she put all sorts in her hair to get it curly. Today her hair is now curly, but if she wears a hat it straightens out the curls. Her hair is as soft as a baby’s hair, cannot be put in plaits or cornrows as it loosens easily. I have cousins also born in Nigeria whose hair textures are similar to my mum’s. So please note not all black people have curly hair some actually do have naturally straight or extremely soft hair. One of my cousin’s grandmothers was dark skinned with blue eyes. Honestly I think hair textures are down to genetics and unless if you are God which I know you are not – you cannot predetermine/foresee the outcome of your seed’s hair for instance and use that as a basis for procreation. It is an unfounded illogical argument.
Secondly for men that have approached black rude women please note there are rude people in every race so it is unfortunate you only realise rudeness coming from a black woman. I on the other hand was brought up to respect myself as well as others at all times. With a lot of things/issues/situations in life you must take into account one’s upbringing, circle, belief system if there is one and education as all these inevitably affects their behaviours, perception, outlook on life as well as their vision/goals/aspirations in life. If you want to take this and look at it from another perspective then we can go into Caucasians tanning, wearing weaves and getting bum implants do we draw the conclusion that they hate themselves too? Honestly I think yes there is a certain validity in the argument that a person may not be content with an aspect of their appearance so therefore take steps to change it. However it could be for the sole purpose of enhancement such as with makeup. They may not be analysing their actions as much as some of you are and attributing theories to actions which may not be that serious mentally to that individual.
An example I have medium-long hair yet nine times out of ten I choose to wear wigs as it’s more convenient for me one, it gives versatility two and three it is winter now so it helps protect my hair from the weather damaging it. I don’t wear wigs because I don’t like myself or my hair it is the opposite actually because I love my hair I use wigs as a way to maintain it. Black women’s hair is so versatile and a lot of other female races always wish/envy that about us and I for one am proud and love the fact that I can do so many different things with my hair that gives me a different look. It should not be something of shame but of pride as a lion has its main black people have their hair. 😄
My 2 cents all said with love 😀
Very interesting article. I am also a black woman and I find generally black guys do not approach me as often as guys from other cultures and backgrounds. I have had my hair natural growing up and everyone use to want to come and touch my hair . As a teen I permed my hair and even had a few tracks into make my hair longer. In university I wore braids and I remember a few black guys came up to me and said they were not really attracted to black women with braids but they found it attractive on me. I thought that was very strange. But I find majority of the males who find me attractive always say the same thing. “I don’t normally find black girl’s attractive but… xyz”. Mind you I have dated asians, spanish, indians, africans, caucasians. So this article does shed some light on these issues. But I think it’s not necessarily just black men who feel this way about us black women. I think now in our society it’s males in general and how they perceive black women and how the media portrays us and the images that are shown of black women; shapes not only us as adults but it shapes our children and how they perceve themselves. Because I remember growing up and being teased by other black kids saying I am not black enough or I am whitewashed because I was so polite, nice and I spoke proper english. I didn’t act like the “stereotype”. Even my white friends teased me about it too. I never understood as a kid why I stuck out like a sore thumb or felt like I could not relate to my own people. But yet the area I lived in was so multicultural. So I couldn’t understand why everyone saw things so black and white and I saw things so differently.
Well I don’t have a big but so I get n man attention natural or not
First off, some women do find the term “nappy” offensive. Second, well, not really sure why some men judge black women by the hair they wear. A real man wouldn’t mind. Sadly however, there’s a lot of uninformed men out there who are blinded by socially constructed “ideals” of beauty.
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