Why men NEVER cut off EX-Girlfriends

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What advice would you give them? I'm going to sit the newly engaged down & #SpeakLife into them. #EbrahimAseem

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After I live tweeted her impromptu engagement party, she inboxed me this shocking message with a scandalous, lustful ending.

“Andrea,” he said, looking me in my eyes, “your fiancée, Keyshia and I are threesome partners. Well… we were. Look, he loves you ok, I know he loves you if I know NOTHING else, but he loves us too……”

By: Ebrahim Aseem Follow @fuel4thebody

“E, thank you for using your platform to help me. I have no real girlfriends I can trust. My last ‘bestie’ slept with my previous EX. I always love the insight the queens who follow you give. Please ask them the following questions & keep me & his name anonymous.

If you’re reading this, know I desperately need your advice on my love life.

I met the love of my life two years ago at CAL Berkeley. As a photojournalism major, I always have my camera in hand, ready to snap unforgettable memories in time. So, when I saw this fine, tall, athletic, chocolate hunk of a man running suicide drills during my cardio walk to the coffee shop lol, I had to shoot him. Click. Click.

He said, “say, baby… can I be your slave? I’ve got to admit girl you’re the shit girl… and I’m digging you like a grave.”

I immediately clinched my thighs to prevent from squirting. This man had not only quoted poetry from my favorite movie, he had debunked the assumption in my mind that all athletes were unintelligent.

“What you know about Love Jones?” I asked him, trying my hardest to fight off a smile.

“I know I got one, for your body and your skin tone. My name is Patrick. What’s your name?” he said walking up to me & reaching out his hand, with a smile brighter than headlights in heavy fog.

At that moment, I knew he could get it. My hand in marriage, as well as my panties. Guys don’t know, that slight smile shit they do, showing just the right amount of pearly whites, with the raised eyebrow joint poppin, lawd hah mercy! Makes a woman have inappropriate thoughts. I wanted to rub my hands up against his chiseled chest right then and there!

“My name is Andrea. Are you somebody important?” I asked, losing my battle to fight off my smile. “Someone I should know about?”

“Not yet,” he said, “but I will be. I can tell you’re the type of girl who loves to ask a bunch of questions. Let me take you to grab some coffee and you and that camera can ask me anything you want.”

Not only did I let him take me for coffee, I let him in my life, and in my heart forever.

He was a gentleman. Held open doors. Studied with me every night. Text me throughout the day. Took me on dates. Bought me flowers. Held my hand. Said, ‘I love you’ in front of his homies. He even meet my father who hated all my boyfriends, and my father just loved him.

This man didn’t have side pieces and always put his little fans on Instagram in check when they got emoji happy. Y’all know how thirsty females do. They see a good loyal man and try to test his loyalty. Patrick never had me looking stupid on social networks throughout our whole two-year relationship.

So, right after the Super Bowl this Sunday, when his EX girlfriend Keisha tweeted,

“kinda don’t know how to feel right now, my bd just proposed to a Boo Boo Kitty wannabe while I’m expecting wit our 2nd bundle of joy”

it hurt, because I never even knew she was his EX, let alone that they had any children together.

I met Keisha before I met Patrick, but it wasn’t like me and her were friends. Her and I just happened to have the same hairstylist on campus. We’d both hosted the same club events a couple of times, but we never hung out together. We didn’t even have each other’s phone number. We just followed each other on twitter.

I never saw any pictures of her & Patrick online, nor did they ever tweet each other. I checked Patrick’s mentions periodically. It’s not something I am proud of, but when you find a rare good man, it can make you a little insecure if you’ve never been blessed to have one.

I now know why Keisha tweeted that after Patrick proposed to me, but at the time I was too hurt to think with the right side of my brain. I pulled her to the side and gave her a piece of my mind.

“Excuse me, but what the fuck is this about?” I asked Keisha, holding up my phone so she could see I saw her sub-tweet.

“Something I said?” Keisha said smugly, sipping her IPA.

“You know what you said Keisha,” I tried to reason, calming myself down.

“What’s wrong?” one of the other girl’s at the party asked us.

“I’m expecting and Patrick is my baby’s father,” Keisha answered, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. “Other than that, everything is just peachy.”

I took my earrings off. Patrick came over and put his hands around my waist. Keisha poured a little of her beer in my direction, making a ‘oops’ face to pretend it was an accident.

“Now we’re pouring drinks bitch?’ I asked, fighting Patrick off. Keisha winked at me, which damn near made me lose it.

“Babe, be cool, she’s a straight up liar,” Patrick told me, calming me down.

“Oh, you ain’t my baby’s daddy?” Keisha asked Patrick. “You ain’t tell her?”

“Patrick?” I asked, staring in his eyes. He exhaled deeply, then after ten seconds of silence, he answered.

“Keisha and I have a daughter together,” Patrick admitted, with his head down.

“When the hell were you planning to tell me you had a daughter Patrick,” I asked, freeing myself from his grasp, “after she walked down the aisle as the flower girl at our wedding?”

I stormed out of Ebrahim’s party room and into the women’s restroom. A minute later, Patrick followed me in.

Never will I be a Baby Daddy #EbrahimAseem #SpeakLife

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“I got my eyes clothed, just incase there are any other women in here,” Patrick yelled.

“Nah, it’s ok,” I told him, “even tho this is a women’s only restroom, you can come in, since you wanna act like a little bitch. How the fuck are you going to have me out here looking like your fool in front of all these people and not let me know you were fucking this Iggy wannabe?”

“Babe, It’s not even like that!” Patrick assured me in a stern voice. “Look, after she found out she was pregnant, Keisha texted me and told me I was the father. An hour later she texted me that she had gotten an abortion. We didn’t even get to discuss it, because at the time, I was in Oregon with the team, playing the Ducks.”

“Then how the hell are you the father of her children?” I asked.

“She lied about the abortion,” he yelled. “I only found out after she posted pics of her & the newborn baby in the hospital, and tagged me in them on Instagram. I had to rush to remove the tag, before texting her asking what the fuck was going on. She told me, she wanted to keep the baby, and that she didn’t want me in my daughter’s life. She said she wanted to raise it on her own and that she only had a baby by me, because she wanted a pretty mixed baby with my green eyes and curly hair.”

“The fuck? You should’ve let me slap that high yella heffa while I had the chance,” I complained.

“I know babe, you can still do it, I’m sure she’s still out there,” he joked.

“Don’t tempt me,” I complained. “ I need you to be completely honest with me. Is that baby inside her yours or nah babe?”

“Ain’t no way,” he said, “I haven’t slept with her since before you and I even met. Ever since I made it to the league, she’s been trying to DM me and text me, asking to hook-up, but I just ignored her.

“Hold up, why are you even still following her on Instagram?” I asked. “I feel like I don’t even know you right now. You should have been told me you had a daughter. God. I can’t even go back out there, I’m so embarrassed right now. Can you just give me a minute alone?”

After arguing with me, Patrick left me alone in the restroom to think. I spent several minutes sitting on the toilet seat, fully clothed crying. I felt stupid.

I went on Keisha’s twitter and scroll down her tweets for the past eight months for answers. I didn’t find anything about Patrick, just pictured of her & her current boyfriend. I went on Instagram & tried searching her twitter handle, then her name. Nothing. That’s when I noticed Ebrahim poster about what had just happened on his Instagram page.

There were 100s of comments from women offering advice. It made me feel better. Somehow, reading personal testimonies from all the women across the globe who’d gone through something similar made me felt like i wasn’t alone. I felt empowered. I started to comment thank yous, but I didn’t want to put myself on blast. I wiped my runny make-up off, took a deep breath & returned to the party, confident & empowered. I knew what I had to do.

When I walked in the Party room, everyone was standing by the bar and Ebrahim was speaking life into them.

“But, I have to speak the truth to you,” Ebrahim said. “As men, we will pat another man on the back for disloyal behavior that holds back his manhood and mental maturity. That’s not a homie, that’s an enabler.”

“You always say we come from African kings right?” a man with a neat-dreads said. “Well, didn’t they have a harem full of hoes?” Shit, Patrick is just one step ahead of us. Side piece is the new wifey, I’m just keeping it royal.”

“How the hell can having multiple women make you a king, if you’re sitting on a throne of dishonesty, wearing a crown of infidelity to mask your receding insecurity?” Ebrahim said. “Bro, you know these brothas only have side pieces, because they lack the ability to keep one woman satisfied, in the mind and in the bedroom, so they build a team of side pieces.

The reason some men never cut off Ex-girlfriends is, he’s using the attention & love his ex gives him to extinguish the heartbreaking complacency he feels for not being on his current girlfriend’s level. An insecure man’s pride is his loyal woman’s worst enemy.”

“Honestly, and I will keep it one hunnit right now,” neat-dreads said, “the real reason niggas keep their ex around and have side pieces is, because sometimes your girlfriend can get annoying. Y’all know I’m right. The nagging and repeating shit over and over, like damn calm that shit down. Y’all talk ya man into some new pussy.”

“If it is annoying to you when the loyal woman who loves you, sees the best in you and prays for you, respectfully speaks her mind with words to make you better, you simply don’t deserve her,” Ebrahim said. His words were empowering me.

“If she mentions it more than once, it’s bothering her. Don’t make her always have to seem crazy for noticing our inconsistencies. Listen. When she says, “it doesn’t matter” it always does. She’s just wants to see if you care enough to realize what matters to her. Listen more. How is it hard to listen? If she says it more than once, it means you didn’t love her enough to listen the first time.

Cheating and lying is for boys of insecurity, marriage and fatherhood is for men of valor. Patrick, you have to decide which one you are before you ask Andrea for a lifetime of loyalty.”

“Thank you Ebrahim,” Keisha said. “I ain’t hating on your marriage or nothing Andrea, I’m just trying to protect my babies’ future.”

“I don’t believe you,” I told Keisha. “You wish you were me. You wish you had this fat rock on your finger. You wish you were marrying a NFL player. You wish you were wife material, but you’re not. You’re just side hoe material, and the fucked up thing is, that’s good enough for you, isn’t it? You l’re the crazy EX Patrick always talks about. The one who left him after he got injured against USC.

Well, I AM the woman who motivated him through rehab. I AM the woman who studied his ass out of academic probation. I AM the woman who held him down after his father died. I AM the woman who earned this ring, and I will not let your jealousy, lies and misery destroy my engagement. There’s no way Patrick could be your unborn’s father. You and your man have been a couple for months. How do you know it’s not his?”

Keisha smiled really hard, like she’d just heard a dirty joke.

“It’s both of there’s Andre,” Keisha said.

My heart sank. I tried to replay what she’d just said in my mind, but the sound of everyone voicing how shocked they were was too loud for me to think through.

“You’re full of shit!” Patrick yelled, trying to fight off the other men who were holding him back from getting in Keisha’s face.

“No, you’re full of shit!” Keisha’s boyfriend yelled, breaking his silence.

He looked like a building. Tall, brown, bald and muscular. When he spoke, he spoke with authority.

“You are a coward!” Keisha’s boyfriend yelled. “What are you afraid of bruh? It’s 2015. Embrace who you are. There’s nothing for us to be ashamed of anymore.”

My head was throbbing. I had no idea what was going on, but somehow, my heart knew what was about to be said, because it was beating hard and fast non-stop.

“Andrea,” Keisha’s boyfriend said, looking me in my eyes, “your fiancée, Keyshia and I are threesome partners. Well… we were. Look, he loves you ok, I know he loves you if I know NOTHING else, but he loves us too.

I never meet you, but I know a lot about you, because all Patrick does is talk about you. He screams your name during our threesomes. Now, usually we wear condoms, but that shit just got old real quick you know what I mean? So, I’m figuring based off what Keisha is saying, Patrick and I both got Keyshia pregnant together before Thanksgiving break, while you and him were on your relationship break.”

“Wait, how the hell can two men get one woman pregnant?” one of the Italian men holding Patrick back asked. He sized Patrick up in disgust.

“Just use your imagination,” Keyisha’s boyfriend said. “Two men, one box.”

“Ewwwwwwww,” all the women in the room screamed.

“Ooooooooooooh!” all the men in the room yelled.

I held onto the nearest chair, gripped it, and fought so hard not to cry. I felt broken into a million little pieces. I felt like the whole world was staring at my brokeness.

“You know what? I’m done,” I said with a laugh, before walking away. I know I probably looked crazy for laughing at a time like that, but in stressful times I laugh to keep from going insane.

I got in my car and drove across the bridge to go home. Every 20 seconds, my phone rang with a notification from either Patrick calling, my girls texting or Instagram activity. I ignored them all until I got home. I cried the whole drive home, and a little in my driveway as I sat in my car, thinking about my life.

Man Challenge: let's be the leader we were put here to be. #SpeakLife #EbrahimAseem

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I came up with three questions I would love anyone reading to help answer for me:

(1) If the DNA test proves Patrick is not the father of Keisha’s unborn baby, should I go through with marrying him? Break-up with him? or just cancel the engagement until we grow closer? Because as much as I hate to admit it, I still love him. Ebrahim offered to give us counseling no matter which I decide.

(2) Do you consider a man ‘gay’ for having male-female-male threesomes?

(3) If you met the love of your life, the best person you ever dated, would the fact they have a child by a crazy, jealous EX be a deal breaker to you?

(4) What do you think is wrong with me? Like what did I do wrong to deserve being lied to and cheated on? I am intelligent, independent, ambitious, beautiful, fit, curvy with a genuine soul. I treated every man I ever committed to like a king, and I have been lied to, cheated on and even abused by my high school sweetheart. I just want a happy life and I planned to be married by graduation, which is this spring. I just feel so hopeless, so any insight and criticism is welcomed. Thank you and much love to you for taking out the time to hear my story. Hopefully it helps some woman out there.”

*Please include the number of the question in your comment, so she can know which one you’re answering.
I changed the names & edited her email to protect the privacy of all parties.*

By: Ebrahim Aseem Follow @fuel4thebody
Author of the book, “Why Men Cheat on Loyal Women”
Facebook.com/AEAseem
IG: @Fuel4TheBODY
Twitter.com/EbrahimAseem
Blog: RealNewsPaper.wordpress.com
Motivational #SpeakLife vidoes: Youtube.com/RealNewsmagazine

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About Ebrahim Aseem

I am a chef, writer & motivational speaker. I've been a youth mentor for young Black men for 10 years & I'm currently shopping my first book, "Why Men Cheat on Loyal Women"
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26 Responses to Why men NEVER cut off EX-Girlfriends

  1. Bea says:

    1) I don’t think it is about whether or not he is the father of her baby. He was dishonest from the outset. Know that before you let him back in(if you should choose to do so), he has to earn back your trust. I’m not saying to make him suffer, but his fidelity and integrity are in question.

    3) Having a crazy baby’s mother is one thing; however, it his his place to check her. He should be the one to call her out on her craziness. If she gets out of line, he should be the one to move, out of love and respect for you. She can be crazy, but it is how he handles her actions whether you are present or not.

    4) From what I have heard, you have nothing to fear. Just pray to God that he will send you the right man. If not, be happy with yourself and by yourself. You are an educated woman with a lot to offer any man. Dust yourself off Queen and get back to walking with your head held high. You’re worth so much more.

  2. bianca quinn says:

    To the fiance (because i am bad with names) i am going to start by answering your last question first. “What do i think is wrong with you?” In my most humbled opinion, absolutely NOTHING. From what I’ve read, you did everything right which should leave you with a clean conscience. There is nothing wrong with being loyal. He messed up. Also honestly your other questions i think only you can answer even if you do go through therapy with the best life speaker around. Does it make your man gay if he had a threesome with another guy and woman…why do you care what we think??? Thats your love life, you get all the facts from their events and decide for yourself. I say this because other women are snakes and are miserable. They may not be able to physically come between you and him but poisioning the mind with jargon like “yes he is gay” will only make it more difficult for you to sort through your feelings for him.

    I believe that you should go the old fashioned route and write down on a piece of paper the pros and cons of yall relationship…if the good out weighs the bad, then go on to stage two. How are you going to feel being a step mother? If you are okay with helping him out with is daughter(s), stepping in when you are needed, and being a positive role model (which these girls are definitely going to need) then stop reading this comment and go focus on your relationship… There is no doubt that you both need counsel after the events that took place. There is a lot of resentment when your trust has been broken, and it takes a long while to regain it. Matters of the heart are never easy, especially with everyone in your business… I pray God sends you clarity and strength to follow through with which ever decision you make.
    I love you from one sistah to another, and i know you’re going to make it through

  3. Ada says:

    (1) Honestly, if you choose to take him back i feel like that says alot about yourself. You can be as beautiful, intelligent, and independent as you want, but by taking him you are saying that it is ok for him (or any man) to lie and cheat on you.

    (2) Do you consider a man ‘gay’ for having male-female-male threesomes?
    To be honest this should be the last of your worries. But clearly this wasn’t a one time thing, this is something he ENJOYS doing. So right off the back you can only predict that he will want to do again.

    (3) If you met the love of your life, the best person you ever dated, would the fact they have a child by a crazy, jealous EX be a deal breaker to you?
    As for the ex, she’s clearly NOT crazy, but out of control yes! He’s the crazy ass for continuing a relationship with someone who LIED and BETRAYED him! Then having the audacity to bring his PARTNERS all together to propose to you! That’s fucking crazy to me.

    (4) What do you think is wrong with me?
    There’s nothing wrong with you. Unless you choose to take him back. Don’t settle for someone out of fear of not finding that connection again. You’re better than that. But whatever you choose to do i wish you the best of luck! Keep your head up HIGH.

  4. whowillspeak says:

    Wow, wow, wow… I read this and prayed it was either a joke or a creative short story. Knowing that this is a real situation, I really feel bad for you. I have to start by stating the obvious–this entire relationship was built on the foundation of lies. People lie by omission and think they are being honest because the lie never left their lips. I’m sure this man loves you – in his own way but even so, I implore you to think long and hard before you decide to walk down the aisle. You have a LOT of SERIOUS HURDLES to navigate. My siblings and I are currently dealing with an issue that involves one of my young nephews cheating on his wife of seven years. We’re trying to help them save the marriage. They married at 17 and 19 so there’s still hope as the infidelity began about 5 months ago. In our family, we believe in checking whomever is in the wrong- in this case it’s my nephew. Sooo, I’m doing to speak to you as though you were my niece –family- with love:

    1. Because of the DEPTH of his lies, I personally would break up with him. Now, if you feel that you can handle the constant distrust that will nag at your belly when he’s away at games, hanging with friends, etc, then give it a try. It takes an exhaustive amount of work to rebuild trust and it’s not for the faint-hearted. Given the fact that he has A. Never told you he even HAD a child , B Cheated on you CONSTANTLY with the EX (possibly impregnating her again), C Isn’t using a condom and exposing you to various diseases, and D connected you to his drama-filled EX for life, tells me that he couldn’t possibly be ready to provide you with the love, security, and peace of mind you deserve.

    2. I can’t imagine how (during that level of contact) there’s no sexual interaction between him and the other man (same of 2 women/1 man). It doesn’t need a label. It’s just disturbing to think that your fiance will come home to you after sleeping with EITHER of them. If not with these two, how do you know he won’t do it again with someone else of either gender? Are you going to feel comfortable sharing him?

    3. This one is STICKY. It depends on your own tolerance level. I’ve had at LEAST 4 girlfriends(1 my sister) who have either dated, was married to, or engaged to a man who has children with a crazy EX. It is NOT PRETTY. These woman are so angry, hurt, and stuck on the man that they create havoc in the lives of their current girlfriend/fiancee. The horror stories are disheartening and always hurts the child. Based on how this woman chose to drop her bomb on your engagement, you can be SURE she will do nothing but cause you and Patrick pain. It’s like standing on a track watching the train coming and not being able to move. If by some miracle this woman matures and realizes that Patrick’s only goal in her life is for the welfare of his child, you MIGHT have a chance. But honestly, it’s ‘iffy’. This type of situation only works when there’s mutual respect–which seems to be lacking all around in your situation.

    4. Like I told my niece (nephew’s wife) yesterday, You are beautiful, intelligent, and loving. There is no reason to stay in a situation that brings you constant pain and anxiety. You truly CAN DO BETTER. Love is a beautiful thing but it requires the very basic of ingredients–trust being the main one. Always know that in spite of the pain you are feeling (and the fact that you love him so much) you can heal. And be blessed with a man who is 100% with you from the start. Just remember that this man looked into your eyes, said he loved you and withheld valuable (and dark) information from you. He took choices from you that you didn’t even know you had. Don’t allow your goal to be married by a certain date be the impetus for your decision to marry this particular man. I wish you the best!

  5. LC Bradley says:

    WOW! First off, I’m disturbed by the threesome claim. I was waiting for the part where this is just a 2015 Jerry Springer episode, but it never came.
    1. Cancel that engagement because as of now you do not know him. You know nothing about him anymore. You know how Betty Wright has that line, “I was learning my man while I was earning my man.” At this point he has lost you. He has to earn you back. Don’t let a paternity test determine the rest of your life.

    2. No, he’s not gay for having threesomes. He is sexually open to a level you have to be prepared for.

    3. The fact that he has a baby by a jealous ex shouldn’t be your deal breaker. It should be the fact that he was still sleeping with a that ex after you two got together, lied about having a child, and is in sexual situations that involve both men and with women your knowledge.

    4. Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. Why do we as women always ask ourselves that? You would be proudly sporting his engagement ring and sharing the news happily with everyone if the ex had not called out his bullshit in front of a room full of people. Don’t blame yourself for what the craziness he created.

  6. Dawn says:

    Queen, sorry for what you’re going through but there will be better days.

    1. Personally, I don’t think you should stay. Love isn’t enough, if a man can’t respect you enough to be honest about what he’s doing then that’s a man you don’t need to be in. He loved you but he allowed that woman to make a fool out of you? No that’s him being selfish, knowing he has a good thing and not wanting to lose it.

    2. Only you can answer that. Some men really love sex and he may be one of them.

    3. If you love someone you accept their family especially kids. The right man wouldn’t make his ex your problem. Baby mothers and exes act up because a man allows them to. They feel comfortable so they continue to push their boundaries.

    4. When people cheat, lie or mistreat you – you have to know and understand it is NOT you. The problem lies with them, they may be greedy, cocky or under the impression they will never get catch. You are not the problem and please do not beat yourself up thinking you are. Only thing you are guilty of is wanting a good man and if that’s a crime every woman is guilty.

    Keep your head up queen. What is yours will be hours without the extra added drama. One love.

  7. Dawn says:

    Queen, sorry for what you’re going through but there will be better days.

    1. Personally, I don’t think you should stay. Love isn’t enough, if a man can’t respect you enough to be honest about what he’s doing then that’s a man you don’t need to be in. He loved you but he allowed that woman to make a fool out of you? No that’s him being selfish, knowing he has a good thing and not wanting to lose it.

    2. Only you can answer that. Some men really love sex and he may be one of them.

    3. If you love someone you accept their family especially kids. The right man wouldn’t make his ex your problem. Baby mothers and exes act up because a man allows them to. They feel comfortable so they continue to push their boundaries.

    4. When people cheat, lie or mistreat you – you have to know and understand it is NOT you. The problem lies with them, they may be greedy, cocky or under the impression they will never get catch. You are not the problem and please do not beat yourself up thinking you are. Only thing you are guilty of is wanting a good man and if that’s a crime every woman is guilty.

  8. iamsonia says:

    I could hardly believe what I was reading. I truly feel for you.

    1. Whether the baby is his or not you should RUN. All I keep thinking is RUN. Do not marry this man. He’s is a cheater and a liar. This is a great foundation for a disastrous marriage.

    2. He may be bisexual but who knows. His Sexuality does not matter at this point. It’s the manner with which he has behaved. He knowingly kept you in the dark about his child and activities, and that kind of behavior does not just go away. He could have given you an STD to top it off.

    3. She’s not Going to go away. This will always be an issue in your marriage. It’s just going to be like that especially since he can’t say no to her already. All those good feelings you have are just that. Don’t let that tie you to a man who won’t honor you. You’ve seen his true colors. Don’t ignore them!

    4. And no there is nothing wrong with you. He’s a weak selfish lustful person. These kinds of betrayals often make the victim feel inadequate because naturally you are trying to figure out why it happened. It is not your fault. It is 100% his fault. He chose to engage in that risky behavior and keep his child a secret from you. There is something wrong with him. Not you. Focus on that. Focus on moving forward.

    I’m pleading with you that if you choose to stay with this man , at least do not make babies with him; that way you don’t bring another innocent child into this already messed up situation.

  9. AmbiVictoria says:

    Extreme drama. Secrecy,cheating and lies. Can you really look over and live with that forever?
    On the -surface,- It does sound glamorous, exciting being married to a football star, but what about behind closed doors? What secretly goes through the mind? Seems your fiance wants to paint a “normal” picture for the world to see and as a cover in hiding his fetishes, sinister desires and turn-ons.
    How many partners does he really need to satisfy his outrageous urges? Is the other couple and you even enough? Are there other couples, now, in the past, ever? Was he ever planning on stopping these freak fest ((relationships)) or is he just saying it’s over now because he got caught and publicly put on blast? Does he really want help in distinguishing his gross behaviors and character, or will he just go along with counseling to make things go more smoothly? And to maintain his image. Are you concerned about your health, std’s, diseases?
    There are some deep rooted base line issues there with him that have nothing to do with you, but if you can ever prepare yourself to forgive, deal with those issues, and are comfortable enough to -let it go- then proceed. Either way I feel you should receive counseling, but not because there is anything wrong with you, (#4) there’s nothing wrong with you- you were deceived.
    The counseling is so your heart, mind and emotions can heal which you need no matter what you decide. Build yourself back up. I wish you the best.

    • Talaja says:

      (1) I would call off the wedding for now and evaluate the situation. You are the only one that has to deal with the reality of his infidelity. Love can have their obstacles thrown in to stunt true happiness. It’s only Evil trying to deter you. Let God guide you in making your decision and take up on the counseling offer.
      (2) In my opinion it depends on the level of intimacy. If he was focused on both of them I’d definitely say Yes. There have been many to have threesomes and there was no true intent. Pretty much she allowed her temple to be disrespected and find no true value within herself. Real men don’t want that. Some just do it because they can.
      (3) NO it’s not a deal breaker unless the Man isn’t able to respectfully check her when out of line.
      (4) There’s nothing wrong with you honey. Sometimes people don’t know how to adjust to having someone that is their peace or better half. Insecurity on level of having a successful and mature women by their side that will nurture, respect, give light, ambitious, be intellectual, and being their Queen. It’s a beautiful thing but hard for some Men to accept until they realize a potential threat of you being taken away. I’m sure your King loves you but may need validation that you are is Rock and complement him on every level he strives to reach. The fact that there were things withheld makes it difficult but not impossible. Hear him out and use your better judgment. It takes two to fight in the ring sweetie. If it’s worth saving and the two of you are dedicated, leave it in the hands of the Lord. Like I said before take the counseling and keep others out of your relationship. My love and prayers go out to you while on journey in life but also in making one of the most important decisions in your life being someone’s Wife/Queen
      (Hope this helps)

  10. tigress866 says:

    Girl, do you really believe he is the love of your life? Or is the THOUGHT of who you believed he was… The DECEPTIVE IMAGE that this the man portrayed, was that dream the love of your life? Now, you see him clearly. Is he really the King you hoped you would find? Does he treat you with respect if he’s been hiding all this and putting your life at risk with STD’s without your knowledge? Be careful what you sign up for longterm.

  11. ttcog says:

    1, 2, 3, 4…He’s a LIAR. He does not LOVE you. If he did he would have been totally honest with you about EVERYTHING in his life no matter how difficult it may have been. He placed you in a position where you would be embarrased and humiliated. That’s not LOVE. He’s SELFISH. He was NEVER going to tell you about his sexual lifstyle. He exposed you to so many dangerous things by not using protection. He only showed you a part of himself not all. DON’T SETTLE! He knew how his ex felt and how she would react. He was hoping she’d be shocked into silence but it backfired…Denial can be very powerful…There’s nothing wrong with you you’re just in love with who you THOUGHT he was. Let God heal you and move on.

  12. Erica says:

    Firstly hun. Dont listen to anyone first get yourself together and in a place where you are ready for answers good or bad. Your man loves you. He engaged you during the Superbowl girl!!!! Knowing the other girl would be there. To me THAT alone speaks volumes secondly how pregnant could the girl be drinking beer? How responsible is that? Have a one on one with your man work it out and counsel before your marriage. Take this engagement time to really get to know each other. Ok you guys just stumbled in your relationship he cared enough to shield but didn’t say why. Find out. Its obvious you both love each other work it out. 3. Its not a deal breaker but will become one if he handles her incorrectly and still engages in threesomes with her. 4. There is nothing wrong with you are a woman blinded by love who saw what was presented nicely for you in front of you. Woman have fallen for less for their own reasons but its what you do now that counts. If you both still want to be with each other fine. Work on rebuilding that unshakeable trust and the bond that was there before Superbowl. 2. Hes not gay 1. Get the test done if its not his goodbye and good riddance to the girl her and her boyfriend can deal with the aftermath of that. Continue on repairing the relationship if thats your choice or rebuild yourself and remember this so the next time you’ll be able to spot the signs and ask all the right questions you need to ask. Dont allow this to make you become bitter or doubtful of yourself because whether its Patrick or someone else or even within uourself you’ll find happiness

  13. Reine says:

    – First of all, get tested for STDs. He’s been having unprotected sex with other people and you don’t know how much unprotected sex they’ve been having with other people.
    – Secondly, if you go against all common sense because you “love” him and marry this fool, you are going to have to deal with this crazy baby mama for 18+ years and it likely won’t get any better.
    – Lastly…seriously? This is the standard you’re willing to accept? This isn’t real love and I feel sorry for you that you feel it is. His behavior will not stop. You cannot change him. He’s a grown man acting like an insecure little boy and it speaks more to your lack of self esteem and skewed vision of love and relationships than it does to his abysmal character.

    Wise up.

  14. Alicia says:

    4. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. God exposed your mans infidelity BEFORE you chose to spend the rest of your life with him. Be thankful that you weren’t already married with kids. You have the opportunity to walk away from someone who does not respect you, so you can walk towards a future that you DESERVE. Ask yourself, if you had a daughter, would you want her to be dealing with a man who put her in this kind of situation? Secret child, cheating with his baby momma, threesomes with a dude, doesn’t even have the decency to wear a condom which in turn could have exposed you to multiple STD’s, and God knows what else. If the answer is no, then it’s time RUN, no matter however hard it is. If you stay, I can guarantee you’ll regret it later. He may have given you the ILLUSION of the “perfect” relationship, but if he’s that good of a liar he will continue to do so if you give him another chance. “Patrick” is the one dealing with his down low issues and insecurities . Do not allow that person to strip you of your worth just because he wasn’t MAN enough to be loyal to you. You know deep down in your heart that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You said it yourself “I’m a genuine soul, intelligent, independent, fit, curvy, ambitious, ect..so repeat that to yourself whenever you feel like beating yourself up. “Patrick” poisoned your relationship, do not allow him to poison your soul or self worth. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers. Be strong xo

  15. Marisa says:

    Wow! Im just speechless.. so sorry that happened. Q#1- If the DNA test proves he is not the father, If you really love him and you think this is something y’all can move past, then I would say Cancel the engagement until y’all work through this and he proves change. But if this is something you dont think y’all can get through, you may just have to let it go. Ultimately its your happiness not anyone elses..
    Q#2- No i dont think I would consider him gay.. why would that be the case when some women have threesomes.
    Q#3- If you love this man like you say and he handles the crazy ex whatever she is appropriately then you shouldnt worry.. But boundaries need to be established..
    Q#4- Girl I could ask the same question, I have been there and going through somewhat of what you are. There is nothing wrong with you. We all fall short and well some do other things opposed to cheating.. but what they decide to do doesnt define us as women. Love may conquer all but can your heartache and what has happened Be conquered.. You decide and decide for you and your happiness.. sometimes pride gets the best of us, but if you love him and yourself im sure you will figure it out. If you do stay and get married or not, at least you can say you gave it your best shot and come out stronger then ever. You never know though y’all may work it out and have the best marriage after all this is said and done with. Best of luck to the fiancé, and he should have no contact with her or at least if does on your guidelines.. Just dont let all this consume you.

  16. Tee says:

    1. I personally think you have already made up your mind to stay. He has a child he told you nothing about. I don’t really think the unborn one is the issue. He brought people he had sex with to what turned out to be your engagement party. I don’t see how that was not going to end up with embarrassment for you.

    2. I wouldn’t say gay. I would say suspect because you’ll never know what fully happened at this point.

    3. Feelings are interesting things. “Love of your life, best thing.” That’s really heavy wording. The truth is your life is not over so best thing thus far maybe or fear and hormones are impairing your judgement. The words you have used have again solidified to me that your ultimate choice will be to stay. Children change nothing, but the ex is clearly determined to make things difficult. Perhaps you should ask yourself if nothing changes could you be happy?

    4. You could have inner issues that based on what you said we will know nothing about. That’s a question that again you have to ask yourself.

    This situation is hard. I don’t envy you right now, but we are adults and we can do hard things. Whatever your decision is my only advice would be commit to that decision once made. I can almost guarantee the feelings of maybe the other way was better will cross your path.

    Good luck!

    Did no one hear that they were on a break when the threesome occured? I’m just saying!

  17. Tiffany says:

    1. I personally wouldn’t be with him even if the baby isn’t his. He cheated on you and you’re missing that point.
    2. If they did what I THINK they did(using my imagination), yes. Look…this is how he treated the MOTHER of his child.
    3. If it’s causing drama in OUR relationship, like she’s calling me and all sorts of craziness…yes. Too many people don’t think before they have a kid with someone and then get mad at their parenting style. If the person was clubbing every night and not being responsible, what do you expect? It’s like the people who think a baby will make a man stay.
    4. Listen to me when I say this and let it sink in. You NEED to work on yourself. Seriously. It sounds like you have very low self esteem. Every man I cheated on did this, that and the third. A relationship DOES not define you. And honestly when you told the other woman that you EARNED that ring. Lol baby girl look at you. You just degraded yourself. Like being a married woman with a cheating man is okay…because you’re married. I think you need to find out who you are WITHOUT a man. Learn to love yourself first WITHOUT a man. Be friends with a man. Don’t rush into a relationship.

  18. alejandrameza05 says:

    1) Love is a beautiful thing and it does sound to me like you both motivate one another to be someone better for themselves and each other. I think you should hold off on getting married by graduation; I’m also a senior at CAL and graduation is 3 months away. It sounds like you are unsure of getting married in the first place. I’ve been in a similar situation where I found out news from the guy that I was dating that shocked me. He, similar to Patrick, was hiding something from me and it was hard to trust him because I found out through someone else. So I understand that feeling; you feel even more betrayed by him because he wasnt the one to be honest with you. You need time, more than just 3 months, to reflect and also think of the following questions: Marrying Patrick means that you will be a stepmother. Can you accept that, play a role in the daughter’s life, be a motivator to her, and also be mature/prepared to stand by your man’s side when hell can break loose between him and the baby mamma? Also, being that he lied to you & you expressed you feel like you didnt know him, means that he needs to earn your trust again. Your guard is probably up, questioning things. He does sound like an amazing individual and well he messed up big time. I am not married or in a relationship, but I would expect that the person I will marry one day to be honest with me from day 1. We all have messed up one way or another in a relationship and we should use that to learn from it so that our next relationship will not go that route. Even if something happened and we are afraid to let the other person know because we think it’ll make them disinterested or have them walk out of their lives, the other person deserves the truth. Now, it’s up to that person to accept them for who they are or walk away and well that’s their loss. But, that’s no your case. He was not honest with you and well, I would question his honesty and integrity. Building trust from a situation like this is going to take more time. It seems like you dont want to let him go and if he is as amazing as he sounds, then y’all definitely need to take up the counseling offered by Ebrahim. Premarriage counseling can do 2 things for you : 1) strengthen your relationship and move towards marriage in the future or 2) decide its best to not get married. Having Ebrahim be like a mediator will be excellent; I volunteer at the SF court and sometimes I help with family law. Often married couples and/or parents come in to speak to mediators & they say it helps having a neutral person be there to listen and help them because they only want the best for both). I’m going on a tangent, but I think it’s really important for you to outreach to those who love you for support. As for the baby #2, a DNA test should happen and if he is the father, also ask yourself if you are willing to stand by your man’s side and have a stepchild. It’s very likely that there will be drama with the baby mama, but have your fiance deal with her and frankly, you dont need to have contact with her.

    • alejandrameza05 says:

      lastly, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.You have a beautiful soul, passionate, and mature. From one cal bear to another, you are going to come out of this stronger. In time, all will be okay. I’ll be praying for you.

  19. Anthony Weems says:

    The answer to questions 1,2,3, and 4… WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE QUESTIONS??? The problem with Black Love today is that people disrespect it and defile it in the name he saying the have it… Your whole relationship is a bed of lies fornicated upon by your fiance and 2 other people behind your back… My head hurts and my heart bleeds for your ignorance and shattered self esteem.. As a single father, I pray my daughter has more sense than you as a woman.. But I see more intelligence and self worth in her as a 10 year old girl than you possess as an adult… The fact there’s even a consideration is sheer idiocy.. This my friends… Is a glimpse of what our women have become… And I’m sickened to my soul by it…

  20. SJ says:

    I feel sick to my stomach and distressed just reading this, my heart literally aches for this woman and it’s not even me this has happened too. I don’t care how much money he has or if he is an NFL player, your trust has been betrayed, you have been humiliated, your self esteem destroyed, and something that is supposed to be a sacred and intimate part of your relationship was shared with TWO other people – Disgusting! My dear you are worth more than a damn ring, your peace of mind and monogamy is better than abs, muscle and constantly having to wonder if he is faithful or not, or straight or not. He has issues he needs to deal with on his own, and he has left you emotionally scarred (probably forever). Please leave this man, I know you love him, but some one that loves you would not do this to you, this was not a one time thing, this happened on multiple occasions, and the worst part is he would’ve happily married you and swept this all under the carpet like nothing happened. If he loved you he would never be in contact with his ex unless it had something to do with his child. He is selfish and put his vile lustful acts before you every time. He put you at risk of sexually transmitted diseases, and the ONLY reason he admitted any of this – is because he was caught out. A real man would have told his woman the truth – even if it meant losing her. I genuinely hope you find peace and that you allow Ebrahim to help you through this horrid situation. Lots of Hugs from a young lady that doesn’t know you personally but wishes you the very best in everything that you do. 🙂

    P.S . You will probably be feeling like ‘What is wrong with me that made him do this, am I not good enough?’ (like most women do), I just want to say , there is nothing wrong with you and you are good enough!

  21. Alex Kenneh says:

    1. You are an adult no one can make you do anything you don’t want to. However, if it is or not there is no trust, and I don’t see how you would trust him in the future to be honest.

    2. Yes, he is sharing a female during sex. That other guy said one hole too. Also a guy has his out with another guy in the room is suspect. That other guy said he loved ‘us’ too. Sounds like he did stuff with the guy.

    3. I haven’t been on a date before, but i have once loved the idea of a woman I knew. Yes, that is a deal breaker, and it will take time to find another.

    4. Nothing is wrong with you. You were misinformed/lied to/ cheated out of time/ and most of all tricked into love. Mr. Ebrahim said it best “a male not a man” that is what you ran into.

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