I took a natural-haired, mocha, Bahamian fashion buyer out dancing on a first date to a Caribbean restaurant for salsa night. The night ended with her going through my phone, me thrown out the restaurant & a mojito being thrown in an innocent person’s face.
After approaching her at Whole Foods & exchanging numbers, we talked on the phone for two weeks to vibe before our first date, because “texting” does not equate to conversing. I’m often asked, “what’s the difference between talking, dating & courting?”
There are 7 levels to reaching commitment:
Common Law Marriage.
Some of these girls have never even been taken out on the date stage. Once a guy sees you’ll settle for talking, he’ll never commit to you. Why commit to the girl, when you can get her loyalty for FREE?
Inboxing or DMing you empty words & dick pics does NOT count as approaching. If you give a man your number without requiring he make you laugh, show you respect, ask your passions & stimulate your mind with voice words, not text, he will never take you serious enough to commit to you. Welcome to the Side Chick Zone. Serving community dick from 11pm to 3am.
Not to be confused with “dating” (which is a synonym talking) a date is a planned, payed for event or events a man takes a woman out on to observe couple chemistry. The movies are a played out first date. A woman gets approached dozens of times a week. If a man wants to set himself apart from other suitors, he’ll take a woman on a memorable date.
Memorable does NOT mean expensive. Taking a woman on a date does NOT mean tricking or simping. Any male who thinks that may be more attracted to spending intimate time his homies than a woman anyway. FYI, unless it’s a cooking class, inviting you to his house for the first meet is NOT a date.
After several dates, if you establish chemistry, attraction & find they are a reflection of the light you want to be, you court. Courtship precedes engagement and marriage.
There is no such thing as a girlfriend to a guy.
A “girlfriend” is not a recognized legal union on a W2 form, nor is it a serious level of commitment to a man. If you have a girlfriend, you still put single on all your legal documents, because “girlfriend/boyfriend” are relatively new terms. They don’t appear in any books or bibles until the mid 1900s. If you’re not leading to forever with each other, you’re leading to a break up.
That’s why when men cheat on their loyal wife, it’s called “adultery”. Cheating means cheating the “agreed upon nuptials” as marriage is a LEGAL contract. Adultery does not apply to “girlfriend/boyfriends” as there is no legal nuptial contract to “cheat”. He’s not a cheater, he’s a jiggalo. Not all men are jiggalos. But if a woman gives a man sex without first requiring his commitment, he won’t respect you, your “relationship” or your pregnancy.
What is a girlfriend? A girl who gives you loyalty before you give her commitment (marriage).
What girls loyal during the “talking” stage don’t realize is, giving a man undeserved loyalty teaches him he can get your best without giving any effort. If you give a guy loyalty without requiring he faithfully commit to you, he’ll make you look stupid on purpose, simply because you’re lack of self standards isn’t giving him anything to respect nor commit to.
A real “relationship” is where a man tells the woman he’s courting if & when he plans to marry her. Girls will plan a whole life with a handsome guy who lacks a life plan. If he hasn’t set you down & told you his priorities, don’t make him your priority. A lot of these girls are too naive to realize they are not even in a committed relationship. Stop letting ‘babe’ be the key to unlock your heart & loyalty.
#5 Common Law Marriage.
Marriage without the certificate, ceremony, tax benefits & financial security of alimony. Common law Marriage is often a “shacking up stage” where girls allow men to live with them & have sex with them w/o putting a ring on it. That stage is not for me. I’m celibate until marriage, because moms raised a future husband & father, not a future baby daddy.
For virtuous men & women, this stage is the #5 Celibacy Stage. Spending extending time, while making out & engaging in mental intimacy, without sexual activity. If they can’t keep you satisfied above the waste, they don’t deserve to go to the next stage of commitment.
A public promise & appointment to legally marry a woman. If a man hides his relationship status on social networks, & doesn’t want to activity like his woman’s pics or post about her, he may not be ready for marriage.
7. Legal Marriage.
When two people become ONE. No more “I want” or “I think”. If a man says ‘I’ more than ‘we’, he is not yet married to the idea of you & him being equals. A man knows exactly who he wants to wife later on & who he wants to sex for the time being. He only starves you of effort, b/c you give loyalty by “talking” w/o requiring commitment.
The Bahamian woman I took on a salsa dancing date was intelligent, witty, sassy & curvaceous.
Unfortunately, she was also into “talking” over courtship. I found out, because just 10 days after approaching her & hours after my salsa date proposal, she posted meme after meme on Instagram about “finding the one” and how “you don’t have to be talking to him for long to know he’s the only guy you want to talk to”. The most shocking meme she posted was accompanied by the caption, “and since you lames can’t text me back, I found a real man worth talking to.” along with the following meme bellow:
This shocked me, because she had texted me a cropped out version of the picture above, with only the little girl, saying, “I had a dream this is what your daughter will look like.”
Four days later, when we finally had our first date, I knew I had to upfront, as I always am with women, and let her know my thoughts on “talking vs. courtship”.
After our salsa dance instruction, we sat down & ordered some Caribbean food. Before our meal came, I served this beauty food for thought. I told her I was celibate while single and reveled I went out on dates with women to see how compatible we our for possible courtship, because I was raised to be a future husband & father, not a future baby daddy.
Even though she assured me we were on the same page, in hindsight, I should have addressed the memes she posted on Instagram earlier in the week. After we enjoyed our food, I ordered dessert, asked the waitress for the check and went to the restroom to wash the sticky salsa off my hands. When I came back, I saw the Bahamian beauty sitting with her arms folded & a pissed off look on her face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
“You’re full of shit, that’s what’s wrong,” she complained, sliding the receipt booklet towards me. When I looked at the recipe, I saw the waitress’ name circled with a heart shape & her 10-digit phone number written inside it with red pen.
“I saw you flirting with her high yellow ass all night,” the Bahamian beauty complained.
“Are you serious, right now?” I asked. ” I didn’t even look in the woman’s direction once tonight. Nor did you see me look in my phone once, because when I’m out with a woman, or even with family, the person I’m with gets all my attention. Not my phone nor other women. By the way, have you seen my phone?”
The Bahamian beauty pulled out my phone from her purse and handed it to me.
“Explain this then,” she sassed, showing me a text from another woman. The other woman’s text featured heart eye emojis and kisses.
“Listen,” I responded, “I’m honest with this girl whose texts you’ve read just as I have been honest with you from jump. I’m single and I go out on dates. Just because we text does not mean we are in a relationship. You deserve transparency, which is why I am so open with you about my singleness. For you to go in my phone is completely unacceptable. I’ve been nothing but respectful to you. Excuse me.”
I stood up and walked towards the kitchen until I found the waitress.
“Excuse me,” I told her, “I appreciate your service, it was outstanding. Yet, I am completely disappointed in the way you disrespected the woman I am with by writing your number on my receipt. How do you know the woman I’m with isn’t my wife?”
“I am so sorry,” the waitress told me, ” I really didn’t mean to offend you or her. But I didn’t intend for her to see it. And honestly, judging by her dance moves, you can do better my brotha.”
“You really need to apologize to my date,” I urged the waitress, motioning her back to my table, “in the interest of professionalism.”
Once the waitress got back to my table to collect our tab, the Bahamian beauty picked up her mojito and threw it in the waitress’ face.
“You don’t know me,” the Bahamian beauty yelled with a heavy Caribbean accent, swinging at the waitress. Then, she said something in her language I couldn’t make out. Minutes later, we were kicked out of and banned from the restaurant. I dropped the Bahamian beauty off home, despite the fact I’d bought tickets for us to see Janelle Monae perform live, accompanied by an orchestra. Needless to say, I never went out with Bahamian beauty again. I’m pretty sure she blocked me on Instagram as well.
The lesson I learned from this is, always hold true to your values. If you red flags, obey them and be more loyal to your standards than you are to an attractive person’s potential.
I am so tired of “talking”. Being in a relationship where the sex is so damn good, but there’s no growth or courtship is a waste to me.
I see your fine ass has curves, but are you nurturing? Patient? Good with children? Finances? Home decor? I don’t date for a hobby. If we aren’t planning for forever I have no interest.
What are your passions? Goals? Can we stimulate each others spirit? Align each others chakras? Activate each others pineal gland? Can you digest knowledge my food for thought feeds your mind? What type of mother will you be? Where do you want to raise a family? Let’s stop asking these women for pics, ask if she’s a WIFE.
By: Ebrahim Aseem
Author of the book, “Why Men Cheat on Loyal Women”
Motivational #SpeakLife vidoes: Youtube.com/RealNewsmagazine
I for the most part agree with most of your posts but I found it curious…as a Bahamian woman I speak ENGLISH. Not sure why anything was said in “a “language you didn’t understand….” Also a woman who will go thru your phone knows no nationality….
Thank you for reading my work.
I never said “a woman who will go through your phone is specific to any nationally.”
That is not the spirit nor message of this article. Please don’t assume that queen, as I never once said, thought or felt that. Besides, spirits have no race. Being nosey has no race.
As a Bahamian woman, my date spoke English very well. However, when she got upset she spoke French. That was “a language I didn’t understand.” Nothing curious about the French minor she received in college. I just couldn’t translate it. Blessings to you queen. I pray this article helped reassure you to always remain loyal to your worth as a woman.
I really enjoyed your article. I am awakening right now and questioning a lot of things. One of them is legal marriage. Why is this so important to you? Isn’t marriage a spiritual/religious union? Why should I allow a certificate from the government to sanctify my marriage? What’s wrong with common law marriage?
Thank you so much for these words about Loyalty, and your openness about that date night. Wish I could have heard these words in my early thirties, when I felt desperate for “the right one.” I married the guy who walked into my life at that time. He was very abusive and went to prison after killing another in a drug house. Now I am divorced, and our daughter just turned 14. I am giving her a copy of this to help direct her. AND at 46, I will use it too… Thank you so much!!!
You hit this right out of the proverbial “park” . Many important lessons learned!